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Overthinking What’s Next

Now that I am no longer a professional academic or on the quest to become a professional academic, I have felt adrift, with a ton of pent-up mental energy that’s had nowhere to go. So I have been trying to isolate the things I love best about academia. If I could identify the elements that brought me the most joy, maybe I could find an outlet for all of that energy. What did I enjoy about the “act” of being an academic (academicking?) besides traveling to gorgeous destinations to study things old and spending 90% of my time in a library surrounded by books? 

Can’t you just smell this photo?

Ultimately, it’s hard to boil it down to the basics, but I think I finally figured it out: what I miss the most is immersing myself in knowledge about a *noun*. Analyzing the details of a *noun*, its history; thinking about media and how the choices people/artists/creators made can tell us about any number of things about whatever it is they’ve created. How have people interacted with the *noun* in the past and what does that mean for the present? Besides just thinking about *things,* I love thinking about things with other people, and, also, thinking about how people think, and why we think what we think. 

TLDR: my favorite thing to explore is this: what can we learn about humanity by considering the things people create? Why and how do we love things we love?  

Though my quest to capture the essence of my past-academic self has been ongoing since finishing my PhD in 2019, I made unexpected progress this year in narrowing it down. In 2023, I started thinking about movies differently. In the spring, my brother-in-law was so hyped for Christopher Nolan’s latest film, Oppenheimer, and I didn’t really get it. Sure, I had heard of his love of Nolan as a filmmaker before, but I didn’t understand why. I also, in general, have a longstanding methodological beef with privileging a creator over the creation, putting too much emphasis on the artist as genius, which made me resistant to getting too excited about any single director or creator.1 More relevantly, I didn’t understand enjoying watching films with a critical eye like he and my SFAM (sister from another mister) do. I didn’t understand why Nolan’s use of IMAX photography was notable. I didn’t get what made the *films* special. And, I also, admittedly, was resistant to anything that could be labeled as uppercase Film, largely due to an intense focus on French film in my undergrad degree. (Let’s be real, French Film is overall an acquired taste that I have not acquired, though I have been well exposed.) However, he was so passionate about his love for these films, I wanted to understand. After all, what is better than listening to the people you care about care about something?

Introducing us to Oppenheimer

Thus, I asked him to put together a “Nolan 101” experience, so I could try to understand his love of Christopher Nolan’s movies. Unsurprisingly, he obliged. He put together a course of study and over the course of several months, our friend group watched seven Nolan films in the following order: (Night 1) Memento, The Prestige, (Night 2) Inception, (Night 3) Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, (Night 4) The Dark Knight Rises, and (Night 5) Oppenheimer (and Barbie).2 Through this exercise, I not only came to understand his love of Nolan’s approach to filmmaking but developed my own appreciation for the films. While I’m simplifying, our mutual appreciation is threefold: (1) how Nolan structures and plots the stories he tells and (2) how Nolan uses the art of film to tell the story, and (3) the effort he puts into pushing the art and science of film to the next level. 

For what it’s worth, I’m a film convert.

But that’s not the point.

The point: This whole exercise got me thinking about movies in the same way I’ve always enjoyed thinking about other media, like musicals, books, sculpture, painting, and architecture. It turns out that you don’t have to enjoy French films to enjoy thinking about filmmaking. I loved watching Nolan’s films with an eye to aesthetics, style, storytelling, and historical/visual/social context. I am permanently and irrevocably ruined. Utterly changed because now I’ve been watching everything–including things that I’ve long loved and watched countless times!–with my nerd brain activated. 

In one of my happy places.

And it’s fun, dammit. 

That got me thinking that perhaps this kind of activity could help me flex my brain muscles again but in a new and fun way, in a way I’ve long missed. Could I harness all that pent up academic brain juice and funnel it into something fun and thought-provoking without it ‘advancing the field’? What if I directed all of that thinking towards that silly stuff that I like rather than just concentrating on making something ‘academically rigorous?’ 

A new exercise began to take shape in my mind, a series where I “overthink” things that I love and enjoy. Sometimes it might be a deep dive into a single thing. Sometimes, it might be a comparison between a series of things. Some others may be explorations of places I’ve been and its history. At times, the connection might be quite obvious (as the first in this series will undoubtedly be to those who know me). Other times, the connection might be entirely off the wall– the result of a weird wandering of my (probably) ADHD brain. 

In this series, I’ll present reactions, responses, questions, research, and opinions other than my own, and of course my own opinions. I’ll always try to be honest, accurate, and fair. I’m sure I’ll get things wrong, but I’m always willing to learn and to admit that I was wrong. Some of the topics may interest you, others may not. The assignment I give myself may change, but for now, it’s to think about things critically and smartly. To put forth mini-essays that are interesting and edifying, even if it doesn’t represent any great stride for any academic discipline.  

I miss taking notes meticulously. (That is some good handwriting right there if I do say so myself.)

Will these essays have a thesis? Probably not any kind that would stand up under peer-reviewed scrutiny. The thesis will be whatever I find interesting–whatever I say it is. One of the things I liked less about academia was always having to have a point, a culmination that ends because a question has been answered, an argument made, nuance achieved. A finality, an end. The end, however, isn’t the point of everything we do–the axiom goes that life is the journey. What I envision with this series is instead a wandering, meandering path. Why do we have to know where we’re going before we start out? Isn’t it all about the journey? Why do we have to know where we’re going before we get there? Why do I need a thesis?3

I don’t claim to have any great insights to share. I am not a scholar of popular culture, and while I might have some particular knowledge when considering certain topics, such as art history, my thoughts are no more important than anyone else’s. I will always cite words and ideas not my own. I try to base my thoughts on facts, research, and, to some degree, my own experience. 

Chasing this feeling, without the the quest for tenure 😂

If your thoughts are based on facts, research, and your own experience, you’re the kind of person I love talking to. 🙂 Feel free to respond!  I hope to elicit conversation with anyone who finds what I put out there interesting or thought-provoking. Another key thing that I miss about academia was the sharing of ideas, talking about the things I liked with others who also liked those things, and listening to their thoughts on the matter. In fact, I can’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon other than talking about things that I love and the things that my people love with others who also love those things. 

So who wants to go with me on a pointless journey to the deepest, most randomest parts of my brain? Here we go!

Stay tuned for the first in my Overthinking series, Adapting Jane Austen’s Emma. 

Footnotes

  1. This could be a whole other series on why I think we focus too much on individuals as creators. I’ll save it for another day, but I have reasons. ↩︎
  2. Truthfully, Barbenheimer stood outside the official Nolan 101, but we couldn’t *not* watch it as a part of this exercise in 2023. ↩︎
  3. In all honesty, my posts will probably have *a* thesis, but it won’t be one that’s super concerned with being innovative or making a “contribution” to the field. ↩︎

2023, books, Uncategorized

My Year in Books: 2023

The other day, I did a silly Instagram challenge picking my favorite book that I read every month. Before finishing this task, I thought that this would be a great way to see what my favorite books for the year were…but it really did not! Given the year that I had–a stressful job hunt, reading slumps, etc.–it’s no wonder that some months had slim pickings and others were chock full of good books. 

I also didn’t read as much as I did in 2022. In 2022, I blew through my GoodReads goal eventually reading 108 books. Thus, I went into this year COCKY AF. I set my goal at 100 books, but before February was out, I had to change it because I was already so far behind. I changed it to 65 books, and spent most of the year behind. In October, I shifted my goal to 70 and just this week I met that goal. I will likely go a little over. (Is it cheating to adjust your goal? I don’t think so. I didn’t like that I was feeling stressed out about a FUN GOAL, so I’m allowing myself to change my goals!) 

At the end of 2022, I set two goals for my reading in 2023: (1) to read more diversely, both in terms of genre and to read more books by diverse authors, (2) to read more non-fiction. I don’t know that I really met either of those goals–but I didn’t really set benchmarks so I don’t have a better way to evaluate. For the first goal, were some of my authors BIPOC? Yes. Were some authors queer and did they tell queer stories? Yes. Is the majority of my fic still written by white people? Yep. Women, at least but still a lot of white women. Most of my fiction was written by Americans or Europeans (not exclusively), but still a majority. Clearly, I have work to do here. As for non-fiction…I unequivocally failed to finish many non-fiction books. I did read a few self-improvement books, but I don’t count those. 0/2, zero stars on achieving those goals–but I will continue to try to increase these stats every year. 

On to my top 10 favorite books I read in 2023, not including re-reads, in order of how I read them. 

  • House of Sky and Breath, Crescent City #2, (series) Sarah J Maas: In 2022, I discovered ACOTAR and read the first of the Crescent City books. I have unabashedly joined the ranks of SJM girlies and am waiting with bated breath for the third installment of this series. Admittedly, when I started Crescent City I was put off by the ~*modern*~ setting rather than the historical one, but like all of her other books, I was sucked in. 
  • Thursday Murder Club, (series) Richard Osman: I read all of the books currently released in this series this year. I love a good multi-narrator mystery where the line of good and bad is constantly redrawn and characters are a little morally gray. This series is a great addition to the canon of murder mysteries set in Britain–it follows a group of 4 septu- and octogenarians who solve murders. It’s not your grandma’s Murder She Wrote though (I say as someone who deeply loves her some Jessica Fletcher and MSW.)
  • Kingdom of Ash, Throne of Glass #8, Sarah J Maas: I’m not great at separating individual books from their series. They’re all one big story. Throne of Glass was an adventure. I laughed. I cried. I think it–for all intents and purposes–has replaced Harry Potter as *my* series. It also might be why I failed to hit 100 books this year. I think I spent the rest of the year recovering from and trying to find the next best thing to TOG. Forever chasing that feeling of reading an amazing new series again. I have already been fighting the urge to re-read it. (Should we take bets on how long it takes me to reread it into 2024?)
  • A Shadow in the Ember, Fire & Flesh #1, Jennifer L. Armentrout: An incredibly polarizing author on BookTok, I was nervous about starting to read Armentrout’s books. It helped satiate my desire for a bunch of romantasty books and fill that SJM hole in my life, even if her books need some massive structural editing (especially the From Blood and Ash series.) I would not make the argument that her books are good in quality but they are candy. I think a lot of the problems with FBaA are fixed in the F&F books. They are much better and tighter reads and narratives. 
  • Fourth Wing, The Empyrean #1, Rebecca Yaros: This is an interesting one to include on this list. I read this and devoured it. I was sucked in immediately. It wasn’t perfect, but I was immediately taken in by the DRAGONS and the enemies-to-lovers plotline. I couldn’t wait for the upcoming sequel Iron Flame. However, Iron Flame disappointed me so much that I didn’t finish it. It was a painful read and I just didn’t want to keep going. I skimmed the rest and it’s up in the air whether I will ever finish it. I debated whether to put Fourth Wing on my favorites list then…but I think it qualifies. I even BOUGHT MERCH. 
  • The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches, Sangu Mandanna: This is a book that I tried to read once before but just wasn’t in the right mood (a frustrating thing for me). I decided to try again during the spooky season and fortunately, I was in the right mood. It was a charming story about found family, love, and magic. 
  • The Scandalous Confessions of Lydia Bennet, Witch, Melinda Taub: I have had an uneven history with sequels or re-tellings of Jane Austen. I find that most try too hard to be like Austen in style (which feels off) or they do something that tries to disrupt the “happy ending,” which I think is boring. I saw authors I enjoyed saying that they quite liked this book, and I do happen to LOVE imaginative retellings through the eyes of other characters and I was especially interested in how one would rehabilitate Lydia Bennet, the incredibly scandalous and obnoxious youngest sister in Pride & Prejudice. Reader, it was not like Austen, and it didn’t try to be, it was simply the story of a known character and it was good. I enjoyed it thoroughly and I look forward to what this author does next. 
  • Iris Kelly Doesn’t Date, Bright Falls #3, Ashley Herring Blake: The first book in this series was in my top 10 last year. I had the wonderful privilege of getting this book at an author event at one of my favorite Nashville bookstores, Parnassus Books. Like the two books in the series, it was a charming and emotional romance that hit all the right spots for me, totally grumpy sunshine, and very cute. I can’t wait to see what Ashley Herring Blake does next! 
  • Six of Crows, Six of Crows #1, Leigh Bardugo: I started Leigh Bardugo’s Grishaverse a little backwards, starting with this duology rather than the main trilogy but I think it will be fine. This quasi-dystopian, multi-perspective heist was so much fun and tense. I happened to read this around when I saw Inception for the first time (yes, I know I’m 10 years late on that), and it was so fun to think about what goes into a heist movie. 
  • Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone, Benjamin Stevenson: This was a great whodunit, definitely a twist on the unreliable narrative trope, with tons of fun twists that kept you guessing. I had a hunch, but I didn’t figure it out and I usually do, so that was nice. 

2023 Take Aways

  • 2023 was the YEAR OF ROMANTASY for me. Though I first read ACOTAR in 2022, it was the majority of what I read in 2023, and it’s the kind of stories I want more of. 
  • Historical Romance–the kind without magic and fae–my longstanding ‘home’ genre–barely made a dent this year; though it did make a mild appearance. There have been more closed-door/non-spicy historical romances popping up and that proved annoying to me. 
  • I only re-read 6 books, which is wild for a committed rereader. (And five of them were ACOTAR -.-). 
  • While I didn’t read to my goals (diversity, non-fiction) I did read more adventurously. I tried a lot of new authors. 
  • Gosh I’m a sucker for a series. I love finding something that’s reliably good and knowing that there’s more where that came from. Hence, I think, why I was so bummed Iron Flame in no way lived up to The Fourth Wing. 
  • I read long books. My average book was 456 pages long in 2023. Almost 100 pages higher than my 2022 average. 
2024

2024 Q1 Report: Holding Myself Accountable

When setting goals for myself for 2024, I really wanted to hold myself to it. For me, that usually takes the form of needing to document that progress. So I’m going to lean into it, in the form of a quarterly report. How thrilling.  (I love reading these kind of updates though, so hopefully someone else does too.)

  1. Goals & 2024 No Buy 
    1. 2024 No Buy
      1. January Lapses
      2. February Lapses 
      3. March Lapses
    2. Other Goals
  2. Finding My Favorite Nashville Coffee Shop(s)
  3. Q1 Highlights
    1. January: First time to St. Louis for Work & Fun
    2. February: House of Flame and Shadow
    3. March: Dallas
    4. Random Favorite Pictures from Q1
  4. Looking Forward: Potential Highlights in Q2

Goals & 2024 No Buy 

My primary goals for 2024 was to concentrate on improving my financial situation by taking small actionable steps, while also working on improving my physical and mental health. 

2024 No Buy

I made myself what I think has been a realistic list of things that I cannot buy during 2024. These are all things that I’ve noted that either have too much of or tend to buy impulsively but are not necessary for my life. Money wasters, but not quality-of-life-impactors. Maybe even detractors

The first few months have gone VERY WELL I think. I am not introducing consequences if I don’t “follow the rules.” Like if I buy 2 books in January, I don’t say I can’t buy a book in February–that kind of thing. This is a goal to adhere to, not something I need to ‘punish’ myself if I don’t do. 

It’s always the lattes. I hate how basic I am sometimes.

All in all I feel like this exercise is going well. It is allowing me to think more consciously about what I spend, without making me feel like I can’t have any fun. 

There are a few things that were definitely easier than I expected–for instance, the Target Dollar section. It was super easy for me not to be tempted. UNTIL the fun seasonal stuff for spring started showing up. BUT I HAVE PERSEVERED.   

January Lapses

  • I made a conscious choice to not adhere to my limit to purchase only one book. One of my favorite local bookshops was having a rough month with a large ruined shipment and then also Snowmageddon 2024, where they had to shut down for the entire week. They had a special online sale from which I bought two books. 
  • January was also the month of new Sarah J. Maas
  • THUS, I bought three books in January. 
  • I also bought a pack of pens. -.- 

February Lapses 

  • I did really well in February, except for the lattes. It’s always the lattes. One week I got three. 
  • I also just so happened to not purchase a book in February. 

March Lapses

  • LOOK. It’s always the lattes. One week I got three. 
  • Trader Joe’s also released a candle trio for spring and I definitely purchased it. 

Other Goals

Financial: I knew that moving was on the horizon in 2024 when my current lease was renewed. I was anticipating a large increase again after a $300 increase the year prior. I am happy to say that I found a new apartment–one less centrally located–but much more cost effective. It is nothing fancy, but it will get the job done. It is also much closer to my Nashville family, and that’s nothing but a positive. 

I finally think I had an idea with some legs that has gotten me writing with regularity for the first time in forever.

Mental and Physical Health: The goals I set to myself for this category are to work out thrice weekly, socialize weekly, and participate in my hobbies (like crafting, reading, writing). I think this has been a mixed bag in Q1. January is rough, as was February. March was an improvement. I find it really hard to leave the house after work, in the dark, to go to the Y. I have walked often, I have been to the Y….less often. 

I have tried to be more proactive about socializing–a necessary thing to do when working from home. I think I have been successful in that goal, but I definitely could be better. I have been ehhhhhh at my hobbies. I launched Overthinking (and am slowly working towards the second episode), so that is definitely good progress in writing. 

I do think that I have to cut myself a little break. I do think we’re supposed to kind of ebb and flow with the seasons? I have been amazed by the energy that I possess when the temperature is over 65, the sun is out, and it doesn’t set until after 6:30 PM. So, maybe, some slack is in order. 

Finding My Favorite Nashville Coffee Shop(s)

I want to discover my favorite coffee shop in Nashville. There has been no runaway clear winner, though I have been to many. I have many criteria for what I’m looking for. I have also decided that if I visit a coffee shop, that I do not like and would not revisit, I am not going to review it. So much of this is taste based, and what *I* am looking for doesn’t mean it won’t be great for someone else. I haven’t been to many new shops this year because, honestly, it’s been kind of busy! 

Momento –  5.5/7 – This is a charming, small coffee shop in Hermitage, with tasty eats and yummy drinks. It even has some outdoor seating that will probably be great in warmer weather. 

  1. Pros: A wide variety of options for drinks, really decent food options that aren’t all sweet or super carb heavy (I love their breakfast roll). There is easy, ample parking. Solid coffee, if not particularly memorable or strong. 
  2. Cons: The indoor seating is minimal. It’s a small shop, so that’s to be expected. I would imagine that it will be a lot easier to grab a table when the weather is nice because the seating is almost doubled. The seating is also not the most comfortable, though I wouldn’t call it uncomfortable. And, one of my pervasive issues, they only have disposable drinkware. These are all minor quibbles.

I will be returning to this shop. It’s a great coffee shop in an area underserved (in my opinion) by coffee shops. 

Q1 Highlights

So what’s been great about 2024 so far? I think finding things to be grateful for in 2024 is on the docket, and I am seeking to be more, you guessed it, proactive in ensuring I have experiences for which to be grateful. I would say I’m 2 for 3 in 2024 so far; in January and March I was really good about this, less so in February.

January: First time to St. Louis for Work & Fun

I started a fully remote new job in 2023 and my place of employment is located in St. Louis, MO in a state I’d never been to. Well in January, I had the opportunity to travel to St. Louis for work and visit one of my nearest and dearests who I hadn’t seen in far too long. It was a great trip–I enjoyed getting to know St. Louis–I have known so many people from STL over the years, it’s wild that my first time was this year. Besides being frightfully cold, it was a perfect trip. It was great to get to know my co-workers in three dimensions, eating delicious food, and spending time with one of my favorites was great. Plus art! Hockey (a hat trick)! It was wonderful 

February: House of Flame and Shadow

This book man. Everything I wanted it to be.

February is always a tough month. I did not have a lot going on personally and it was a quick, fast month. The highlight for me was the release of the long-awaited, House of Flame and Shadow, the third book in the Crescent City series. It was everything I wanted. I know it’s not high literature, but I really enjoy her world building and how she weaves complex plots together. It gives me liiiiife. 

I think I’ve decided February is one of my least favorite months. This is random, but I also got a new desk chair in February. I got ODDLY nostalgic, but I figure it makes sense. Since I moved around so much both as a kid and as an adult, the *things* in my life have made my home a home. So saying goodbye to the chair that saw me through both of my graduate degrees, my first grown up jobs, and so many life events, was oddly hard, but it was falling apart. And the new one is really cute and comfortable.

March: Dallas

This is what happens when you let a 5 year old pose you: you look like you’re popping a squat on a T-Rex toe. (Not a real fossil).

March 2024 was a long month, but it was across the board great. The highlight was a trip to Dallas to visit with two of my dear friends from grad school and their kiddos. It was great to be reunited and to see the littles of the next generation interact. It wasn’t a sightseeing trip, but I got to squeeze in some Texas musts. Visits were made to HEB and Central Market, barbecue was consumed, but best of all I was able to spend time with two of my favorites together for the first time in like 5 years, with their tiny humans. It was so, so special. I can’t wait for us to get together again and this is exactly the kind of thing I want to make sure I work into my life. 

It was also my first time flying since August 2022. Between August 2022 and March 2024, I lost a lot of weight. Even in August of ‘22, it was already easier. The notable differences in 2022 were: I didn’t need a belt extender, I could put down the tray table, and I could comfortably read. This time, it was a whole new world. All of those things were true, but like extra enhanced. I had room in the seat. I could comfortably adjust my legs. I could read. But I think more than anything I felt so…invisible and I mean that in the best possible way. 

I could fit in the seat and the belt…with room. It was such a novel experience.

When I was larger, there were few experiences where I was more aware of my size than when I was flying. Every step of the process is uncomfortable and rife with anxiety. The worst is the stares and glares. You can almost feel the message behind the stares– “How dare you take up space.” Seeing people’s faces when they realize that either their assigned seat or the only open middle seat is next to you, kicks you in the gut. Then, in my experience, you have to suffer through your seatmate groaning and elbowing you endlessly. Even though my body was contained to my own seat, basically glued myself to the side of the plane, attempting to make myself as small as possible, it was never enough for the seatmates who constantly shoved their elbows into my space as if it was their right. 

There is so much that really fucking sucks about how our culture treats fat people. I always knew this, but as I’ve moved out of visibly being a big girl, it’s been wild to see how much it impacted my life, both in how I feel and how people treat me. Yet, it felt really nice to blend in, and simultaneously, I felt very…empathetic for past me. On the other side of the coin, until/if I have a tummy tuck, I will likely always get an intimate patdown by the TSA folks because those machines don’t know what to do with excess skin around my middle. 🙃 

Random Favorite Pictures from Q1

  1. My handsome Fitzwilliam looking regal.
  2. T rating our extra awesomely tall lego tower at our nephew’s birthday
  3. Nephew buildin’ at his birthday party ❤
  4. Me and one of my pupper nephews staring lovingly into one another’s eyes
  5. Awww
  6. I love springtime walks
  7. It’s cold brew season!
  8. Playing checkers. This game ended in tears. Not mine.
  9. At the ripe age of 38, I have discovered the magic of hammocks
  10. My beautiful girl looking derpy

Looking Forward: Potential Highlights in Q2

 April

  1. St. Louis trip mostly for work and less for fun
  2. A visit from a bestie
  3. A conference for work on the west coast
  4. A nephew overnight
  5. Finishing the second Overthinking episode

May

  1. Two visits from two besties one of whom I haven’t seen in years!
  2. ANOTHER nephew overnight
  3. A concert with one of my favorite bands 
  4. Memorial Day Shenanigans 

June 

  1. Quilt Retreat
  2. Moving O.o 
Overthinking

Overthinking: Adaptations of Jane Austen’s Emma

“Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence; and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her.”

-Jane Austen 

Content Warnings: Occasional mention of sexual assault; specific incidents of SA in the 20th century and risk working women’s potential risk for SA in 19th-century England.

Welcome to the first of my series: Overthinking! I love to think a little too much about the things I and those around me love. In this series, I’ll present reactions, responses, questions, research, and opinions other than my own, and of course my own opinions. I’ll always try to be honest, accurate, and fair. I’m sure I’ll get things wrong, but I’m always willing to learn. Some of the topics may interest you, others may not. The assignment I give myself may change, but for now, it’s to think about fun things in a critical and smart way. First up is a comparison of several adaptations of Jane Austen’s Emma!  

If you have no familiarity with the plot of Emma, I highly recommend reading the summary on Wikipedia. Or go watch one of these adaptations first. Or, better yet, read it! this audible version with Emma Thompson narrating is a master class.  

Why overthink adapting Emma

Note that Austen’s name did not appear associated with her work. Her work was all published anonymously while she was alive.

Published in 1815, Jane Austen’s Emma presents–in my opinion–one of her most unlikable heroines. The “handsome, clever, and rich” Emma Woodhouse is a spoiled, vain, know-it-all who actually knows precious little. She has little life experience outside of her charmed small village of Highbury, and sees herself as an arbiter of taste and possessor of great wisdom, in spite of having virtually no intellectual curiosity or dedication to any pursuit of knowledge. She meddles and inserts herself into the lives of those around her, often to disastrous effect. She is convinced of her own self-importance and worth simply because she is a member of Highbury’s gentry. 

Depicting such a heroine on the screen, along with a large and diverse cast of characters, makes adapting Emma a challenge. The village of Highbury and its residents present a complex comedy of manners; social machinations; romantic hopes, disappointments, and expectations; humor; satire; wit; and joy. Adapting anything from one medium into another is a challenge, but with historical works, this challenge becomes layered: how do you make 19th-century issues relevant or understandable to a 20th or 21st century audience? 

With Emma, we have a story deeply enmeshed in regency social mores and cultural constraints utterly foreign to modern readers, with a cast of dozens of characters entangled in complex social relationships. We have an unlikeable, obnoxious protagonist who eventually wins readers over the course of the novel, and we have a writer who gives us gorgeous and often cutting, humorous prose, something that usually gets overlooked and forgotten in many page-to-screen adaptations.

This raises the question: How the heck can you adapt Emma for modern audiences? Do you keep it period or change it up?  Do you play with genre? Do you gender-swap? What elements can remain unchanged and which ones need updating to contemporary audiences to fully understand and grasp the stakes of the story? What do you lose when you cut Austen’s pitch-perfect prose and how do you build in her particular brand of humor without overplaying it? 

When we watch an adaptation of Emma, we want to see something that is “handsome, clever, and rich.” But how do you deliver on such a tall order? 

Historical Context and  Characterization

Now, as this series is titled Overthinking, I need to give some background before we jump into talking about the adaptations under study. 

Setting: Regency England

Portrait of King George III by Sir William Beechy
King George III c. 1799/1800
Workshop of William Beechey, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

We’re about to get real nerdy here, but stay with me: King George III of England (r. 1760-1820) suffered periods of mania that eventually led the British parliament to pass legislation allowing for George, the Prince of Wales (later George IV), to serve as regent when the king was not well. While officially the Prince of Wales only reigned as regent from 1811 until the King’s death in 1820, the term ‘Regency period’ is often applied from the last decades of the 18th century until the reign of Queen Victoria in 1837. 

In Britain, the period was characterized by industrialization, the Napoleonic Wars, and abolition. The Regency period has had an indelible impact on contemporary 20th- and 21st-century popular culture, thanks in part to the literary movement of the period to which Jane Austen, Lord Byron, John Keats, the Shelleys, William Blake belonged. Literature of this era focused on the individual, the importance of an individual’s emotions, and evocative and highly Romantic notions of the past (particularly the medieval period). The modern novel was born in the Regency era, setting the literary course we’re still on today. 

There’s no genre that’s more impacted by the Regency era than the historical romance.1 The subgenre of regency-period romance was launched by Georgette Heyer in the 1930s, inspired by Jane Austen. Heyer’s works created a fictionalized Regency-world, but one where her characters had more modern sensibilities–a trait that has continued as the genre has developed over the past 90 years.2 The Regency era, set amongst the British upper crust or the haute ton, provided a glittering escapist background for romantic escapades. 

A ball at Almack’s Assembly Rooms
George Cruikshank, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Any adaptation of Jane Austen’s novels on the screen should be understood within this context. Though Austen’s works were consistently popular throughout the 20th century, 1995 began a moment of a renewed interest in Jane Austen in popular culture, where she now reigns supreme. This moment roughly began with Ang Lee’s Sense and Sensibility, Colin Firth’s Pride and Prejudice (yes, it’s his), and, yes, Amy Heckerling’s Clueless. (Footnote about other adaptations before). In 2020, the Regency era had yet again another reinvigoration with the release of Netflix’s Bridgerton, based on one of the best regency series of the genre by Julia Quinn. Thus, the fictionalized setting of the Regency era–to the 20th and 21st century viewer/reader–looms large! 

Cast of Characters 

Houghton Library, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Character development is one of the best things about Jane Austen novels. Frequently dismissed as women’s romantic fluff by the jaded, her novels are some of the first examples of free indirect discourse. This narration style is third-person in delivery, but reveals the inner, first-person thoughts, feelings, attitudes of a/the character(s), e.g. “She was glad about the visit. It had been so long since anyone had paid a call. It renewed her spirit.”3 A pioneer and ultimate master in this now very well-known form of narration, Austen allowed this style of prose to reveal personality traits of each character–Emma in particular. You feel Emma’s passion, her humor, her frustration, and her regret. Being in the third person, Austen is able to shift the character descriptions and prose as needed. For instance, the passages about Miss Bates are ridiculously long and chatty, truly allowing the reader to feel not be told what it’s like to interact with “poor Miss Bates.”

This style of narration allowed Austen to give three-dimensions to both the heroine and the large ensemble. Besides Emma, there’s her hypochondriac and curmudgeonly father, the widower Mr Woodhouse, who cannot abide the idea of his daughters being more than 2 miles away from him. Emma’s mother died in Emma’s infancy.4 

There’s Mr George Knightley, the Woodhouses’ neighbor and family connection. His younger brother, John Knightley is married to Emma’s sister, Isabella. Thus, Mr Knightley, who is very many years Emma’s senior, often takes on the patient, brotherly role and is one of the few people that calls Emma out on her bullshit, rather than indulge her–though that love eventually becomes romantic. 

There’s Harriet Smith, a parlor boarder at Mrs. Godwin’s school–she is the natural (illegitimate) daughter of an unknown person of some wealth who pays for her keep. There’s the poor–literally cash poor Miss Bates and her widower mother Mrs. Bates; they are invited to everything, mostly out of charity and to whom the adjective “poor” is always attached. The overly chatty Miss Bates, though often indulged by the town’s residents, fails to notice their occasional yet obvious condescension. 

Emma’s antagonist, Jane Fairfax, is Miss Bates’ orphaned niece who was placed in her aunt and grandmother’s care after the death of her parents. Practically perfect in every way, blessed in all things except station, Jane eventually is taken under the wing of a well-to-do friend and her family, the Campbells. Because the Bates’ have so few resources, Miss Fairfax essentially lives with the Campbells until her friend’s marriage–placing her in an uncomfortable position of having to find employment, a difficult and dangerous thing for a young, beautiful woman with few connections. 

There’s the pompous vicar, Mr. Elton, who chases after Emma, mostly due to the benefit that a match with Emma would bring his station and pocketbook. When rejected, he marries the first heiress he can find, the uppity and snobbish Augusta, who constantly tries to supplant Emma as the reigning lady of quality of Highbury. 

There is Mrs. Weston née Taylor, Emma’s governess, then companion, who marries a neighboring landowner, Mr. Weston. A charming and affable man, Mr. Weston was a widower whose only child was sent to live with his wife’s family, to be raised by his aunt. His aunt, instead of encouraging to maintain his connection with his father, makes him her heir, changes his last name and never lets the boy leave and when he does, calls him home abruptly. Thus, Frank Weston Churchill–the long-lost often-discussed, but rarely seen son of Mr. Weston–is a quasi-mythic figure to the townspeople of Highbury. He is a puckish figure, who engages with an open and obvious public flirtation with Emma, for it only to be revealed that he had long been engaged to Miss Jane Fairfax, whom he had met while she resided with the Campbells. It’s a lot to depict on screen satisfactorily. 

As you can see, there are a LOT of characters. The sheer variety and depth of the characters Austen presents is impressive! This wealth of characters and their characterizations makes it one of the most difficult of Austen’s popular novels to adapt without shortchanging any of the major plotlines or important characters.

The Consequences of Emma’s Matchmaking in a Regency Context

Emma compels Harriet to refuse Mr. Robert Martin’s proposal, because if Harriet married Mr. Martin, her social status would be so far below Emma’s that Emma could (read would) no longer invite Harriet into “polite society.” Mr. Robert Martin, one of Mr. Knightley’s tenant farmers, was termed a gentleman farmer by Mr. Knightly (gentleman indicating that he was of an appropriate social class). However, Emma chooses to see the Martins as too low to socially interact with and not low enough to be of interest because they’d need her charity or for her to condescend to visit them–a sure sign of her snobbishness.

Los Angeles County Museum of Art, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

When adapting Emma, the screenwriter and director have to communicate in some way the consequences of Emma’s matchmaking, and to demonstrate her ‘wrongness.’ Often, this results in concentrating on the emotional impact of her meddling, rather than more tangible, real world concerns. Let’s get into it. 

The most obvious instance of Emma’s folly is in her relationships with two young women of different social status and situations, but of a similar age. She fails to recognize the limitations that Jane Fairfax and Harriet Smith have that she does not, judges them based not on their situations but her own, and does not recognize she may not know the right thing to do. She’s snobbish and elitist in some of the worst kinds of ways. 

So why is this a big deal that Emma talked Harriet out of accepting Mr. Robert Martin?  

Harriet is illegitimate, which placed her under certain social constraints. Women such as Harriet–illegitimate, without the backing of a family name, a dowry, or a profession–faced an uphill battle. Her choices were basically to get married or become a governess or a lady’s companion–the only socially acceptable employment a woman could take. Harriet would need to find a potential spouse that is okay with her illegitimacy and willing to accept her dowry or lack thereof

Jane, similarly, would need to find someone able to marry her without the need of a dowry. Frank Churchill–as his heir to his aunt’s fortune– had the ability to marry Jane without a dowry. Her secret engagement to Frank Churchill also put her in a precarious social situation. Her engagement all hinged on whether or not Frank Churchill would be allowed to marry her, as his fortune was entirely dependent on his controlling aunt’s wishes. His aunt would likely reject a marriage to Jane Fairfax because she was neither well-to-do in pocketbook or pedigree. However, she could not be a burden to her aunt and grandmother for too long as they had too few resources already; the longer she was unable to reveal her engagement, the harder it became to explain why she did not seek employment. 

Thus, on the other side of the spectrum of reality entirely, sits Emma who states with regularity that she will not marry–to her it’s fully a choice. She does not understand the real pressure felt by those in Harriet and Jane’s circumstances. The only reason she has a choice is because she was independently wealthy, possessing a fortune of £30,000 (~£3.5 million today). The contemporary 19th-century reader would have inherently known the context in which Emma’s behavior must be viewed. 

What’s easy for 21st-century readers/viewers/consumers to miss is the potential stakes of Emma’s behavior in this situation (a little bit of a TW in the next paragraph). Harriet and Jane shared an incredibly uncertain future which entirely hinged upon their matrimonial prospects. Emma viewed Harriet’s potential marriage to a farmer as removing Harriet from acceptable society, and thus rendering Harriet an unsuitable friend. That’s ridiculously snobbish, but an all too common attitude amongst well-to-do landowners. 

19th-century women who worked–whatever the nature of that work–were vulnerable, especially in an era before labor reforms. The socially-acceptable positions of lady’s companion or a governess required women to live-in the home of their employer and to be virtually on-call 24/7/365; the family/individual one worked for also dramatically impacted their well-being.5 Women of any social class depended on marrying well for their livelihood. So when Emma selfishly dissuades Harriet from accepting Robert Martin’s proposal, she snobbishly fails to realize that for Harriet marrying Mr. Martin was ideal. 

Thus, there are two elements to Emma’s wrongness: 

(a) the emotional damage potentially done to Harriet by convincing her to refuse Mr. Martin, someone for whom Harriet has a great affection and 

(b) potentially putting Harriet’s livelihood at risk by encouraging her to consider matches with individuals who would not seriously consider her, getting too big for her britches so to speak.6 

In most of Austen’s novels, there is often a “gentleman” waiting in the wings to take advantage of women in some way, particularly those without the privilege of class, influence, or wealth. 

There’s John Willoughby who impregnates Col. Brandon’s ward, Beth in Sense and Sensibility; there’s cash-poor Wickham who tries to trick Georgiana Darcy, a very young heiress, into eloping so that he can profit from her dowry and who does succeed in eloping with Miss Lydia Bennet; there’s the younger Mr. Elliot who courts both Anne Elliot (his cousin) and the elder Sir Walter Elliot’s potential spouse, so that however the cookie crumbles, he becomes the heir to Mr. Eliot’s barony. 

Danger was at every turn. Austen drew close attention to the fact that in the incredibly patriarchal society of 19th-century Britain, a woman’s safety and security was entirely dependent upon the character of the men in her orbit. Thus, through her matchmaking proclivities, Emma is a proverbial bull in the china shop of the town of Highbury. Her actions could have had significantly terrible real-world consequences.

Yet, somehow, Austen makes Emma charming. Her selfishness ends up being balanced by her naïvety, good intentions, self-reflection, and humor. Readers end up rooting for Emma because she grows over the course of the novel. She realizes that maybe she shouldn’t play matchmaker for her friends and community only for her own entertainment, but rather she should support them in making their own decisions–ones that impact their lives. She makes amends and apologies to those she’s wronged, or at least she tries to do so. She changes

Methodology

In this post, we will look at four adaptations of Emma. There are obviously many other adaptations not under consideration here. I debated which I’d select and which I’d leave out. Would I watch new content that I hadn’t seen before?  How would it hold up against the stuff I have seen many times? Would that be a fair comparison? Should I consider adaptations in all media? What are the limits and constraints? 

Let’s get into what I decided. 

Selecting Adaptations for Study

For this post, I will only be examining my favorites in film/TV, that I’ve seen more than once. This, perhaps, may not be academically rigorous, but there are a few reasons for this approach. 

  1. There must be limits! This could rapidly spiral out of control and become unfun for me. And you. Everyone. I already wrote one dissertation. 
  2. I want to be familiar with the content! There is value in having immersed myself in the adaptations selected. I know them well, so it’s not just a slapped together gut reaction. 
  3. Context matters!  The conversation would become less satisfying if I couldn’t do full justice to the context to which the adapted content belongs. For instance, if I brought 2010’s Aisha, a Hindi language adaptation of Clueless into the discussion, what kind of insight could I bring to it? Not much. Not because I don’t think it’s worth talking about, but my knowledge is insufficient. While I want to watch it and I am willing to learn, I don’t think my opinion about it is worthy of circulating as I have only seen a handful of Bollywood films and I don’t speak Hindi. I can judge it only on its adaptation of the source material, not on how it speaks to the social context of its targeted audience. Thus I decided for this post, I will only discuss anglophone tv/film adaptations of Emma as that is the only area I have experience in. Is that cherry-picking? Maybe. But I think it’s only fair, and this isn’t a peer-reviewed paper. So neener neener! 
  4. Movies and TV series will be considered! This list is mostly movies and one BBC TV series. I considered if it was fair to compare a 4-episode series to feature films that are half as long. It is. They’re similar enough formats, and, I’m the boss–I do what I want! However, I will pay attention to this when levying any criticism. 

On Adaptations

I love thinking about adaptations. So many stories that we love are adaptations. They’re everywhere, even when we don’t realize it. 

So what do I mean by adaptation? Basically an adaptation is the transferring of a story from one medium to another or from an earlier version of the same medium (a remake). From book to film. From film to stage musical. From book to stage. And sometimes back again.

Adaptations run the gamut of being incredibly faithful to the source material or departing drastically in tone, plot, characterization. In some cases, the film/TV adaptations become just as, if not more, beloved than their source material: The Wizard of Oz, The Shining, Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, Matilda, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Les Misérables, Netflix’s Bridgerton, all the Nicholas Sparks movies, literally every single Disney movie ever made, the list goes on.7 

On Broadway, a new run of a well-known show also falls into the category of adaptation and demonstrates how varied adaptations can be. The recent and dark (and oh-so weird) new version of Oklahoma! It was an entirely different show even though not a line of dialogue–book or lyrics–was changed. Same goes for recent runs of Stephen Sondheim’s Company, where the lead character was gender-flipped, Robert becoming Bobbie, changing the entire tenor of the show for a new generation of viewers. In a similar vein, but with less of an impact to how the story was told, was the recent run of 1776 where the almost entirely male cast was played by women, and, mostly women of color. 

For a successful adaptation my criteria are few. The story should be told well in the new medium. This, particularly with book-to-film adaptations, often means that stuff will get left out. Of course it will. But the selection of what is left out and what is changed must be done smartly, so the stakes feel legitimate to the viewer. I find more often than not that TV shows/films that slavishly follow the source material are not my favorite and neither are those that go totally off script for no reason. Some adaptations make the list of both good and awful adaptations: Game of Thrones, for instance, started awesome and ended like a hot pile of poo…but that’s honestly probably because they ran out of material to actually adapt

In essence, the best adaptations, imho, do something with the source material to make it exciting to contemporary viewers/readers/consumers. For a lot of fantasy/sci-fi adaptations, this can be done through cinematography–giving imaginative life to worlds beyond our experience. For historical period pieces, part of it is a similar kind of scene setting–none of us lived in 19th-century England– so the filmmakers must present an imagined reality. But any adaptation is going to have to find out what works now within the original story, and make it relevant and engaging to a broad audience. Changing times allow for incorporating new technologies, new societal norms, etc. to tell stories with different emphases, resulting in something new yet familiar. 

Now there are many adaptations that I would consider “good” adaptations that I dislike. There are Oscar-winning adaptations of musicals that I loathe with every fiber of my being because it doesn’t adapt the musical as well as it does the setting. (Those who know me will immediately know what musical this is. 😂) 

To sum up, for me, a good adaptation should: 

  1. Adjust the plot/setting/characters/etc. for its new medium. For instance, is the circumscribed plot understandable to those who haven’t read the book? (or whatever the original medium is?)
  2. Have its own point of view. Especially in cases of stories that have been redone often, it has to add something to the mix. 
  3. Have some kind of dialogue with the source material. At first I phrased this as “respect” the source material, but then I thought about it and decided that was the wrong word. For instance, I think the reinvisioned 1776 would have hit a lot better if it had done more with the source material. It was too respectful, maybe? Instead of a scene-for-scene transfer of a story from one medium to another, are there layers of nuance that the adaptation is able to bring to the table that the previous medium could not? 
  4. In the case of the often adapted, the newest version has to do something unique. Jane Austen’s works have been adapted in various media endlessly. Each new adaptation must position itself amongst the previous adaptations smartly and bring something new to the table, or else, what’s the point? 

Methods of Analysis

To dive into how the films up for study handle the art of adapting, I will discuss the following: 

Background: Give a little bit of an intro to each film/series, its cultural context and impact.  

Changes & Takes: Discuss what was changed and if there were any unique takes? What kind of changes were made to the plot, setting, characters, etc., and what was the impact of those changes? Did they have original takes on the characters, setting, etc.? 

Casting & Characters: Explore the impact of casting: How the actors selected impact the characterization? Were there any miscastings? 

Sensory Experience: Consider how the movies and show looked and felt. I am not a cinematographer, nor am I particularly versed in the art of cinematography. I won’t be making assessments of camera angles, aspect ratio and the like. Rather, I will be talking about the movies’ impact on my senses. How did I feel while watching/listening while experiencing this movie/series?

That Certain Je Ne Sais Quoi What was my overall impression? How does it hit in 2024? Will I watch it again in the future? 

At the end, I’ll synthesize, think about what really spoke to me. Which is the best adaptation and what does best mean? 

Obviously, this is all highly scientific. 🙃


Let the analysis begin!

I debated the order in which to present these films. The art historian in me wants to go chronologically, but instead I am going to controversially go in order of my least to most favorite (controversial because favorites have no place in academic discussion). For this, I define “favorite” as the one I watch the most often, the one to which I turn when I want an Emma fix. However, I am aware that my favorite adaptation may not be the best adaptation. 

Without any further ado, let’s begin!


1996: Emma 

Director & Screenplay: Douglas McGrath
Music: Rachel Portman
Runtime: 120 minutes
Starring: Gwyneth Paltrow, Jeremy Northam, Alan Cumming, Toni Collette, Ewan McGregor
Rotten Tomatoes: 84% 

Background

I remember the first time I saw this movie. I had braces and just had a tooth pulled because it wasn’t going to fit in my tiny, tiny mouth. My mom let me rent a few movies to watch while I laid on the couch and “recovered” from the entirely painless procedure. This was definitely in high school so for me it would have been many years after Emma was released. I don’t remember what my original thoughts were about the movie, but it was, for a time, “the” Emma in my standard rotation–it was eventually supplanted by 2009’s miniseries as my favorite version of Emma. I hadn’t had the urge to watch it in years and dusting it off for this blog was an experience

Changes & Takes 

All in all, this is a fairly traditional adaptation of Emma. It takes place in Regency England and follows the basic structure of Austen’s novel, with few if any derivations on plot points. The most visible changes were mostly made to give more depth to Emma and Mr Knightley’s relationship. You get a sense of their attraction earlier on with heated arguments and more tension building from the get go. Most of the broad strokes of the plot are there, though at times abbreviated necessarily to fit the format not to really take any “liberties” with the plot. 

The thing that suffered the most in the retelling is the Frank Churchill/Jane Fairfax element. It felt like so much of an afterthought in this telling–Jane Fairfax barely has three lines on screen. You don’t get any real sense of the tension between Frank and Jane, nor how badly Frank leads Emma on in a very public quasi-courtship. You don’t get a sense of the tension and awkwardness between Emma and Jane. This storyline seems to have fallen victim to the time constraints, and I’m guessing that the director chose to focus more on Emma and Harriet’s relationship rather than the complex Emma/Frank/Jane triangle. I’m not sure that paid off. 

Casting & Characters

Whew. I personally think the casting in this movie is wild. Few of the actors feel correct for or natural in their roles. It feels like an excessively weird blend of people. But from a 2024-vantage point, it most feels like a weird group but that’s probably not a fair critique. 

Emma: First off, I do not like Gwyneth Paltrow as Emma, and I always felt this way to some degree. Her acting is fine, and her crusty-dusty British accent is solid (apparently her accentwork is half of why she was cast in the role). In 1996, the director of the film said this of Paltrow’s Emma: 

“One of the many great things about Gwyneth is she plays all sides of it. She doesn’t soften the unpleasant things in Emma’s character, nor does she inflate her good qualities. She has everything a young woman that age has, all the petulance, the vanity, the self-confidence that can only come from youth and ignorance. The tenderness, the repentance, the honest desire to help someone even though in her case it always seems to turn into harm. Because she doesn’t always try to make herself look good, that makes her all the more endearing.”

I….just fundamentally disagree. I don’t find her Emma endearing at all. Is that because I have 25+ years of knowledge of Gwyneth Paltrow, including that she sold a $75 candle that smelled like her vagina? Maybe. I’m not a perfect person and I will judge you if you sell an overpriced candle meant to smell like your vagina. However, Paltrow’s Emma doesn’t give you the sense that she grew in this adaptation. She’s as snobbish and overbearing as she was at the beginning. The lack of a clear character arc makes Paltrow’s performance fall short for me.

Truly Baffling Casting Choices: I could go on about how weird some of these choices felt but will try to keep it brief: 

  • Ewan McGregor as Frank Churchill. His Churchill wears truly one of the most god awful wigs to ever grace the silver screen, and his depiction of Frank Churchill just feels weirdly cartoonish. McGregor himself didn’t think he did a good job in that role, saying it was the worst work he’s ever done. I’d have to agree–though I don’t know if he was given enough screen time to make it work. 
  • Polly Walker as Jane Fairfax. Now known for her roles in HBO’s Rome as the conniving Atia and Netflix’s Bridgerton as likewise conniving Mrs. Featherington, a young Polly Walker is just far too sensual to play Jane Fairfax. Even just visually speaking, undeniably gorgeous, with those eyebrows and eyes, she is just so much better suited to playing a villain or someone who is dangerous. And that does not work on Jane Fairfax. They paired her up with Ewan McGregor, which just does not work. Zero Chemistry (plus there were zero on-screen opportunities given to these characters to develop chemistry.) 
  • Toni Colette as Harriet Smith. I love Toni Colette as an actress, but she just…doesn’t feel like a period actress. Having two of the main female leads in an Austen production be American (Paltrow) and Australian (Colette) is also…odd. I don’t know that it is a dealbreaker, but I am just not sure they worked well together. I am also not sure why but Toni Colette just felt far too old to play the young Miss Smith, even though she was around 23 when making the film. She also apparently gained weight to play the role of Harriet to appear “Rubenesque”…and like….why. (I think this annoys me, because it seems like such a 1990s thing to make THE character who is not socially acceptable a TINY,  and do I mean only a TINY,  bit round…she is not Rubenesque. She’s barely a size 8.) 
  • Alan Cumming as Mr. Elton. Look, I love Alan Cumming. He’s a mega talented stage actor and musical star. He always commits to a role. But as Mr Elton, he just didn’t work. Perhaps it’s because I know he’s gay, and often plays queer roles and that his characters are usually energetic and vivacious. But I was never able to suspend my level of disbelief and accept him as such a timid character that he seemed to portray in Emma. His performance felt cartoonish and fake, like he was wearing a “demure” costume. I kept expecting him to break out in song at any moment and give me jazz hands. (Which would have been an improvement, tbh.)

Truly Great Casting Choices:

  • Jeremy Northam as Mr. Knightley. This man was meant to wear Regency attire. And his hair. He works reasonably well as Mr. Knightley if there’s not really a whole lot of depth to his affection for Emma. It seems a little more like love/hate. 
  • Real life mother-daughter duo Phyllida Law and Sophie Thompson (Emma Thompson’s sister and mom) as Mrs Bates and Miss Bates. Apparently they were cast together unknowingly by the casting director as their names were on separate lists. They were barely on screen, which is a shame since they were such a delight. I really wanted more. 

Sensory Experience: How did the movie look and feel? 

Upon rewatching this movie, I was struck by how strange the lighting was throughout the entire film. Most of the indoor scenes are lit with a golden light from above that gives those scenes this weird dated quality that I don’t fully understand. Is it meant to be akin to stage lighting? To give the figures an idyllic quality? I am sure it was to attempt to convey candlelight, but….incredibly inexpertly. It does not give off the effect of candlelight to me but just seems super weird 1990s BBC stylistic strange. Like it’s clear you’re on a set and it pulls me out of it. 

Like it’s fucking weird, right? A choice.  

The music was also, to my mind, not very special, but exactly what you’d expect from a mid-1990s Jane Austen adaptation–jaunty and light instrumental music, nothing special. The only notable entry was a duet (which lasted FAR too long) between Gwyneth Paltrow and Ewan McGregor at a dinner party. 

Overall, aesthetically the movie just feels quasi-cartoonish, which originally I thought may be unfair looking at it in 2024. But no, there are so many movies that I adore that hold up so much better in this regard. 

That Certain Je Ne Sais Quoi 

In 2024, I just don’t think this movie holds up as either a great adaptation OR a good movie. It had long fallen out of my standard rewatch routine. I am not sure I would willingly decide to watch it again as there are other options out that do a better job of doing Emma and are more enjoyable to watch. 

Some of my disinclination to watch this movie may also come from what we now know in 2024, like the fact that this movie was greenlit by then chairman of Miramax, convicted sex offender, Harvey Weinstein. Beyond just mere association with a fucking creep, the film’s star, Gwyneth Paltrow, later said that Weinstein harassed her after she signed on for the film. 

Overall, I wouldn’t say that the film does anything *wrong* I just am not sure that the choices made really make it right either. 

FINAL GRADE: D (Passing grade without being a fail) 


2009: Emma 

Director: Jim O’Hanlon
Screenplay: Sandy Welch
Music: Samuel Sim
Runtime: Four 60+ minute episodes
Starring: Romola Garai, Jonny Lee Miller, Michael Gambon

Background

In the aughts a series of Jane Austen miniseries/movies were released on BBC, among them of my favorite version of Persuasion,  an okay version of Sense and Sensibility, and 2009’s Emma (plus Northanger Abbey starring Felicity Jones and Mansfield Park starring Billie Piper–smartly, there was no attempt to do Pride and Prejudice as a feature film was released in 2005).8 

The first time I watched this version of Emma, I knew this would supplant the 1996 version for me. When I sat down to write this comparison, I expected this to be my ultimate favorite version, but I was surprised to find that, while I do love it and always will, I see it more of a copy and paste of Emma from book to screen–to a point. Previously, I’d have said it wasn’t really doing too much in adapting, just trying to be the most faithful version. I’d have said that Romola Garai is one of the best Emma’s because of how charming she is able to make Emma a character who can be frankly obnoxious, charming and delightful. 

However, after immersing myself in this story for this post, and thinking about how to adapt the story to the screen, I realized during this watch-through that it didn’t stand out in the ways I expected. Did it do anything wrong? Not especially. But it didn’t do anything special either. 

Changes & Takes

As a four-episode mini-series, where each episode is an hour long, this adaptation has much more time to spend luxuriating in the characters and the plot, leaving no stone unturned. I can’t think of anything controversial or notable in their adaptation. As I rewatched it, I felt like it didn’t have a particular goal

Casting & Characters

In general, this mini-series is very well cast. Even though I do love Romola Garai’s Emma, she is too sweet and likable from the get-go for the character. She needs to start out in a more unlikeable place for her growth arc. But she does make Emma’s mischief more charming. You can see how so much of her misbehavior is youthful folly, not like a truly rotten figure. But ultimately, she is toooooo nice. 

Jonny Lee Miller is not who I would cast as Mr. Knightley, but he does a decent job. When the series was first released, critics had issues with Jonny Lee Miller being Mr. Knightley–finding him too much of an obvious bad boy for the role. When I first watched this series, I didn’t have any idea of Jonny Lee Miller being a bad boy, so that’s not something I got from his portrayal. 

Michael Gambon is a perfectly curmudgeonly hypochondriac. Most of the other actors I haven’t seen in anything else before or since. The exception to this is Tamsin Greig as Miss Bates who gives the most realistic and heartbreaking version of Miss Bates. No one really stands out as particularly good or miscast.

Sensory Experience

This movie is visibly happy. It’s a warm spring day, a cozy day spent reading by the fire. There’s not a scene that’s not beautiful, there’s not a note that’s not sprightly. It embodies all you want from a Jane Austen retelling. But after such strong showings of this traditional period adaptation in Sense and Sensibility (1995, feature), Pride and Prejudice (1995, series), and Pride and Prejudice (2005, feature), what did this version offer to the genre? 

Not much unfortunately. 

Is it great when you want such a depiction of Emma

Yes absolutely. And that’s about it.

That Certain Je Ne Sais Quoi

Where this series succeeds is taking advantage of the long format. It gives depth to the relationships that feature films cannot. The opening, for instance, does such a good job of pointing out how well Emma, Frank Churchill, and Jane Fairfax’s situations are parallelled. All three either orphaned (Jane) or lost a mother (Frank and Emma). The disparity in situation–and Emma’s privilege compared to the other two–is made entirely plain to viewers. 

The movie also gives the most real and human version of Miss Bates. She’s not a caricature of the maiden aunt that other adaptations sometimes present; you see her deep love for Jane and for those around her. There’s also some great humanizing of Mr Woodhouse and the loss of his wife; it directly explains his excessive caution for his daughters. It does a great job of showing, not telling, which is a privilege of the time a series has to develop its characters. 

All of that said, I was truly surprised at how poorly this one did in my estimation during this exercise! Will I watch it again? Most definitely, but as an adaptation of Emma, I think it tries too hard to *be* Emma. To–as literally as possible–bring Austen’s word’s to life. I don’t know that that’s a bad goal, but to me, it just made it less interesting on this re-watch. 

FINAL GRADE: SOLID B or B-


2020: Emma. 

Director: Autumn De Wilde
Screenplay: Eleanor Catton
Music: Isobel Waller-Bridge and David Schweitzer
Runtime: 121 minutes
Starring: Anya Taylor-Joy, Johnny Flynn, Miranda Hart, and Bill Nighy
Rotten Tomatoes: 86%

Background

When I first heard of 2020’s Emma. I was, at first, mildly surprised that this story was being told yet again for the big screen. Once I learned more about it though, I  knew it would be different. Where 1996’s Emma was fairly straightforward and star-studded, this movie looked like visual candy. When I learned that Johnny Flynn, a folk singer, fiddler, and actor was announced as Mr Knightley, I knew this film would be different. Given the fact that the official title is Emma. with a period since it’s a “period” piece, I was correct. This adaptation is as much an adaptation of the ‘Regency period’ as it is an adaptation of the book. 

This film, the directorial debut of photographer Autumn de Wilde, is an attack on the senses. And I mean that in the best way possible. Given de Wilde’s experience as a photographer of portraits as well as a director of music videos, it makes sense that she capitalized upon that background to make this film. Of the adaptations on discussion here, this movie far and away does the best job of leaving a visual and aural impression on the viewer. 

Changes & Takes 

Released 25 years after Ang Lee’s Sense and Sensibility, Emma. seems aware of how it fits within the chronology. It knows the history of the genre and revels in its absurdity, but with a fierce level of appreciation. The result is the full realization of the Regency Era as a character all of its own. All in all, I wouldn’t say that this is a change, but it definitely is a take

Unconcerned with trying to be Emma, this film lets the characters respond in ways that earlier versions would not have. While the phrasing and word choice is all Austen, the manners Regency, the effect is decidedly 21st century. Servants exist in this version. The absurdity of all versions of Emma and adaptations of Austen you’ve seen without servants becomes immediately apparent. The valet assisted a perfectly capable Johnny Flynn with putting on his trousers (butt shot! 😂), the maid who assists Anya Taylor-Joy with her stockings, reveals the falsity of all of the versions that have gone before. How much of a fiction those versions were. Yet at the same time, it highlights how we as 21st-century audiences envision, and at times, revere, a time period where people were treated as furniture and the main characters don’t even dress themselves.9

The other adaptations up for discussion all use voiceover narration of some variety, except this one. Alicia Silverstone does the voiceovers in Clueless. Emma (1996) uses a variety of narrators. Jonny Lee Miller briefly introduces the 2009 mini-series explaining Emma, Frank, and Jane’s loss of their mothers and the consequences of that loss. Given Jane Austen’s use of free-indirect discourse, it’s interesting to me that Emma.’s only form of narration was brief title cards at the intro and at the changes of the season, when the other versions fairly heavily relied upon some vocal narration or voiceover to set the scene.

Casting & Characters

While I don’t know that I would have thought to cast Anya Taylor-Joy as Emma, she does a fantastic job of portraying a handsome, clever, and rich Emma. She is full of contradictions–judgmental, but well meaning, sarcastic, but kind. Self-assured, but also naive. Taylor-Joy brings a real depth to Emma, especially in her interactions with those around her. For instance, she extends such benefit of the doubt to Frank Churchill, but absolutely none to her female counterparts such as Jane Fairfax, with whom Emma is openly competitive. The responses she is able to convey with a single look is truly impressive. The critical scene where Emma insults Miss Bates is immaculate—you can see the exact moment that she realizes her mistake and rudeness; the compliment Mr Weston then provides Emma feels all the more uncomfortable–because it highlights Emma’s social position within the group–folks are still complimenting her even though she is the one who misbehaved. However, you also see Emma feeling true shame for her behavior, not just that she was called out (the impression I got from Paltrow’s Emma). Taylor-Joy’s Emma does the work to make amends, which I fully appreciate. 

Johnny Flynn as a lovesick Mr. Knightley is pretty stellar. Again, I would not have thought to cast him as Mr. Knightley, but it is a casting that I fundamentally love. His version of Knightley is so emotive. You really feel his tension in his relationship with Emma, and the polite, unpossessive jealousy that colors his actions. As in other versions, his Mr Knightley calls Emma’s behavior out, but his Knightley goes even further in stating plainly that Emma is jealous of Jane’s accomplishments. This one leans more into Mr Knightley’s distress that Emma may be falling for Churchill. As I said, he’s a little lovesick (hehehe)–he looks physically ill at the thought of Emma and Frank Churchill pairing up.10 He also brings such drama to his  confession of love, where it’s almost absurd, but in the best kind of way. Johnny Flynn does the best “if I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more” of all of Knightleys. 

Bill Nighy is an excellent hypochondriac Mr. Woodhouse. Like depicting Emma, it’s hard to balance Mr. Woodhouse’s less pleasant characteristics with his positive ones. Sometimes it’s hard to understand why Emma and everyone else around puts his needs first when he’s so patently ridiculous. Bill Nighy’s Mr. Woodhouse, like Michael Gambon’s, obviously cares deeply for his daughter and his concerns are owing to the loss of his wife. You also see in a few scenes him actually stepping into a paternal role with Emma and offering her comfort, particularly after Emma’s behavior to Miss Bates.

Mia Goth’s Harriet is so silly and so absurd. De Wilde really gives the character a chance to shine by using her as an opportunity to show off the life of a parlor boarder in her school You see Harriet’s fun-loving and simple nature in her interaction with the other boarders. The patent absurdity of Harriet’s response to being mugged by Travellers is so hilarious and uncomfortable (a response shared by the characters who share that scene). I also think of the period pieces, this Harriet stands up to Emma more directly than the others. She calls Emma out for leading her to refuse Mr Martin, and when she reveals that her father is a tradesman who makes galoshes rather than a gentleman as Emma believed, she does so proudly and with backbone, defying Emma to think poorly of her. And, Emma shows her true growth by inviting him to Highbury, moving beyond airs she displayed earlier on. 

The rest of the cast of characters is likewise amazing. Mr Elton is so ridiculous in the best way–creepy and ingratiating, totally giving off an air of a 19th-century incel, with anger simmering under the surface and erupting in bursts. Later, his wife Augusta is also incredibly insufferable. Miranda Hart’s Miss Bates might be the most annoying of all the versions,  and Emma so visibly annoyed by her (as she should be). The way she constantly seeks Emma’s approval (as she would have been with her “social betters” in the 19th century) really brings something to the social dynamic that isn’t easily understood to 21st-century audiences. I also think that this version does an excellent job of hinting that Frank Churchill and Jane Fairfax had an attachment.

Sensory Experience

This whole film can be described as a sensual feast. In visuals, music, and costuming it just blows all of the other adaptations out of the water. The sets and costumes use color so evocatively. Again, I promised that I wouldn’t delve too deeply into cinematography given I know nothing about it, but to my art historical eye, I am deeply unshocked to learn that a photographer who principally shot portraits directed this film. This version, more than any other, uses the scene setting to transmit emotional impact and to reveal the emotional status of the scene. 

Likewise, this film uses its score so effectively, by pulling from the era–not just traditional classical music, but also through the use of standard 18th-century English hymns and folk music recorded by contemporary artists. There is also an original song by Johnny Flynn called Queen Bee, which is told from the perspective of Mr. Knightley’s feelings for Emma. The score, by Isobel Waller-Bridge (sister of Phoebe!), is whimsical and gorgeous. The old standard English hymns against the vaguely operatic chorale, gives some major-chord energy the whole way through.

The costumes are a TOUR DE FORCE. Intricate and gorgeous, leaning into the outlandish styles of the Regency era and into our 20th and 21st century imaginings of Regency Era clothing is just perfection. 

That Certain Je Ne Sais Quoi 

Obviously, I adore this movie, but for reasons. It presents an entirely imaginative period piece, more about our 21st-century notions of the 19th century, than the 19th century itself. In doing so, it is a charmingly successful adaptation of Emma. It feels puckish and whimsical in a manner entirely appropriate for how Austen’s works would have felt to the 19th-century reader. Ultimately, I think that’s what makes a really good adaptation. It knows its audience, respects its source material, but doesn’t slavishly try to be the source material. It does its own thing, with a unique stylistic and narrative point of view.11 

FINAL GRADE: A+, 5-Stars, no notes, practically perfect period adaptation


1995: Clueless 

Director & Screenplay: Amy Heckerling
Music: David Kitay
Runtime: 97  minutes
Starring: Alicia Silverstone, Paul Rudd, Donald Faison, Brittany Murphy, Breckin Meyer, Stacey Dash
Rotten Tomatoes: 81%

Background

If I had done this list in chronological order, I’d have had to start with Clueless. Starting with the cult-classic Clueless could have been both a boon and a challenge. It could have been a boon because it’s a true adaptation. It is not supposed to *be* Emma, but follows the loose plot of Emma very closely, but creatively positions it in a different universe entirely. If you didn’t know Austen, you wouldn’t have any idea that the story was based on a novel first published in 1815. When I first saw Clueless in either 1995 or 1996 (I know I didn’t see it in the theater, but I know I saw it shortly after it came out), I hadn’t yet read Emma and  found out much later that it was based upon Jane Austen’s novel.  

However, it would have been a huge challenge to do first because it is a cult classic. It’s one of the best teen movies of all time, part of the mid-to-late 1990s teen flick golden era. It launched the careers of Alicia Silverstone, Brittany Murphy, and, in his film debut, gosh-darn perfect human angel (or vampire maybe since he’s not aging?), Paul Rudd. It’s a cultural touchstone, so I feel like I would have had to come out swinging. 

Clearly, I adore this movie and will brook no slander against its perfection. 

Changes & Takes

Setting: Moving Emma from Regency England to a Beverly Hills high school is a sheer move of genius. Amy Heckerling, no stranger to the teen movie or the high school setting, totally got this right. Where else would you find the intense and insular social pressure found in Regency England that is also immediately understood by a late-20th century audience? The ridiculous fashion? (As an adult I totally love this now because it makes me so dang nostalgic.)  Aging down the characters (some) and removing the focus on marriage is also helpful in making it believable. 

There are so many things that just work about this transition. 

  • In Emma, Emma paints a portrait (badly) of Harriet. In Clueless, Cher, Tai, and Elton participate in a group photoshoot and Elton hangs the group pic in his locker. (This would work EVEN BETTER in a 2024 insta/TikTok world.) 
  • In Emma the focus is on marriage. In Clueless the social status revolves around virginity, who has it and who doesn’t. “You’re a virgin, who can’t drive.” 
  • Elton finally making a movie at a high-school party, the gross move he does with the Suck and Blow game, taking Cher home only to try and make out with her, and then fully showing off his dickishness when he abandons Cher in the “middle of nowhere” and she gets mugged. This was a perfect moment of adaptation because it allows Elton–who you pretty much only see in montage shots–to really show off his character, and you can realize really quickly that it’s not great. This allowed Heckerling to massively trim Elton from the plot. It’s totally normal that Tai would have a crush on a guy that she doesn’t really interact with. 

Characters: I love how all of the characters were translated to the 20th century ideal. Cher Horowitz is totally spoiled, but very well meaning, Daddy’s girl. The fact that they made her dad Mel Horowitz (Dan Hedaya), the “nervous” Mr. Woodhouse, a high-profile divorce attorney is just PERFECT. Because of his profession he’s ridiculously overprotective of his only child (there’s no young Knightley or older sister like in the novel), but simultaneously he’s perpetually absent. (Cher’s mother also died from a liposuction procedure gone wrong, some excellent social commentary.) 

Brittany Murphy’s Tai is Heckerling’s take on Harriet Smith–instead of a bastard, Tai is the New Girl in school, whose style is a brand of 1990s grunge that went against Cher’s Valley Girl ideal (same with Breckin Meyer’s skater boi in the role of Mr Robert Martin, the “unsuitable” farmer). One thing that’s just a little ick is that Paul Rudd’s Mr. Knightley is Cher’s ex-step-brother instead of just Mr Horowitz’s intern (even though it’s clear they weren’t step siblings for long). 

One of the most brilliant transformations was Cher’s first matchmaking attempt. Instead of her companion Miss Taylor and neighboring landowner Mr. Weston, Cher matchmakes for her teachers Miss Geist (Twink Caplan) and Mr Hall (Wallace Shawn) in an effort to make them happier so that she’ll get better grades. In a classic, chicken versus egg, it’s fairly clear that the two already had an attraction, Cher just…cleared the path. 

The vicar Mr. Elton becomes Elton and his eventual “wife” is another popular girl, Amber. The characters for whom there is no parallel is Cher’s bestie Dionne (Stacey Dash) and her boyfriend, Murray (Donald Faison). I think this was a smart addition–you needed someone to play straight with Cher in a way that the Mrs. Weston figure (Miss Geist) could not in the context of high school. Dionne and Murphy also provided the classic long-term high-school couple that’s standard for this genre of movie. 

Several characters were dropped for this telling–smartly because it’s hard to transplant the poor maiden aunt–Miss Bates–to a contemporary high school. In some ways, I feel like Miss Geist somewhat falls into that role–the perpetually single teacher in her 40s. Similarly, there’s no Jane Fairfax character, which completely makes sense for the setting–a secret engagement makes no sense in high school. To that end, the Frank Churchill character, another new kid, Christian (Justin Walker) has a fairly poorly kept secret–he’s clearly, obviously gay. 

Takes: One of the things I found the most different is the way you do actually see Tai change under Cher’s tutelage. In Clueless, Cher changes Tai’s style, her hair, her clothes–Tai looks different than she did before. You don’t usually see that in period adaptations of Emma. Harriet usually feels static–the only real thing wrong with her is the circumstance of her birth. In the novel, even if Emma assisted Harriet with her manner, she was still restricted by her social position: an illegitimate child of a merchant, not a landowner. In Clueless, the result is a little different. One could argue that Tai has definitely been improved. She’s less rough around the edges and her clothing is generally more flattering. She is more confident and a little bit less naive than she appeared in her first few days. The reckoning between Tai and Cher at the end feels so much more…substantial because in high school (as opposed to Highbury), there is really no reason that Tai can’t surpass Cher in popularity and influence, and potentially get the ‘guy.’ (To be fair, in some of the films, Emma does legitimately worry that Mr. Knightley has real affection for Harriet. However, the difference of social positions is a fundamental impediment in period versions of Emma that does not exist in Clueless.) 

Casting

I won’t spend a lot of time in this section because the casting is absolute perfection. NO NOTES. Unlike 1996’s Emma, Clueless literally launched the careers of many of the actors, rather than being a weird blip in their early work. 

My biggest thoughts are about how absolutely fucking ageless Paul Rudd is. Like o m g. But so too is Donald Faison, though to a lesser degree, who utterly captured my heart later on as Turk in Scrubs. He also looks practically the same in 2024. 

Sensory Experience

I think it’s hard to judge this movie in this category honestly. In addition to being a great adaptation, it’s one of the most unique teen films of the era, indeed is kind of part of the transitional moment of the John Hughes teen movie to the late-90s teen film that gave us bangers like 10 Things I Hate About You (an adaptation of Taming of the Shrew).  It feels like such a fundamental part of my childhood, watching it fills me with such a nostalgic happy feeling. The soundtrack is the soundtrack of my childhood. No Doubt, Radiohead, the Cranberries, Coolio, Counting Crows, the Beastie Boys. There are some lines in this movie that are part of my daily vernacular. I’ve often quoted the “Rolling with My homies” (and I think of Clueless before Coolio, I’m ashamed to say). 

Overall, the movie is bright and happy, a shot of pure adrenaline. 

That Certain Je Ne Sais Quoi 

I admit that I’m totally, completely biased about this movie. In rewatching it, I realized that it’s one of my favorite movies and also just one of those…movies that fundamentally impacted my taste and preferences? It takes the source material and so effectively translates it to a new setting it has new fun and engaging things to say. It manages to portray how charmingly confident, but profoundly naive Cher (Emma) is–aging down the characters was such a smart choice and as I said before, high school is really the perfect 20th-century setting for this story. I can’t think of one better. 

FINAL GRADE: A+ for creativity and nostalgia 


Final Thoughts

After completing this exercise, I went round and round on the order I would present these adaptations, which was my favorite and which did I think was the best? I think they are all in their own way successful adaptations, each with their own goals. The first two, the 1996 feature film and the 2009 series, appear to me to simply want to tell Jane Austen’s story. The second two, 2020’s Emma. and 1995’s Clueless, each have a more original point of view, AND are successful in transmitting that idea to the viewer. 

There are a number of things that I noted in this exercise: how divergent the Regency fashion was depicted throughout the films, how no version of Mr. Woodhouse was exactly the same, how Miss Bates varied greatly in her ridiculousness, and how uneven the treatment of Frank Churchill and Jane Fairfax’s relationship was. 

However, I think there are three things that can consistently set these movies apart from one another to determine how successful they are as adaptations: how the setting is handled (even in the treatment of the Regency era there is divergence), the role of manners, and how much growth Emma displays over the course of the film. 

I could do a whole other post on the popular imagination in the 20th and 21st centuries and the Regency era, which has taken on a whole new life recently with Netflix runaway successes like Bridgerton. Watching all three of the Regency adaptations plus one that entirely removes the Regency era, really emphasized how important that setting was to the story. The most successful tellings, in my opinion, focused energy into breathing life into the setting. This is, however, a subjective take, and one that’s perhaps unfair to levy on almost 28-year-old films such as 1996’s Emma, which undoubtedly does concentrate on bringing the Regency era to life, but it originally did so to an audience less accustomed to encountering it in film. (That being said, I think 1995’s Sense and Sensibility (feature) and 1995’s Pride and Prejudice (series) do a better job of conveying the Regency era to modern viewers, and they both preceded Emma.) 

I think half the reason that I found 1996’s Emma’s depiction of the Regency era to be uninspiring and foregetable is because the script and the characters do the heavy lifting in that regard. To be sure, yes, the scene setting is emphatically Regency. The comportment of the characters however feels stiff and superficial in the attempt to portray Regency-era manners (which were stiff and superficial, but they were also people). 

You also need to see the Emma character GROW. You don’t get that growth from the 1996 Emma; Paltrow’s Emma seems patently unconcerned with the devastation she almost wrought given all ends well. 2009’s Emma is too sweet and likable to begin with so you don’t really get any sense of growth–she just made a mistake. 

It’s six to one, half dozen the other if 2020’s Emma. or 1995’s Clueless is my favorite OR the best. I’d be happy with either outcome. Alicia Silverstone and Anya Taylor-Joy’s versions of the character contain multitudes. They are sweet, nice, well meaning, but they’re also too smart and sassy for their own good. They manage to embody attitude and revel in the privilege, being paradoxically naive and self-assured all at once. Both Cher and Emma take active steps to make amends for their missteps, rather than everything naturally shaking out for the better as in 1996 and 2009. To tie it all back together, the chronological settings of both of these films also help tell the story. 

Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, after watching these versions multiple times, I think I love Emma (both Austen’s novel and the character of Emma) even more than I did before. I was also surprised (somewhat) to find that I found the less “faithful” adaptations the more successful ones. Upon reflection, it makes sense that I like the ones that brought something unique to the table–especially in dealing with Austen’s novels. I do love reimaginings of Austen’s novels in book form but I get really frustrated when people try to mimic Austen, as so few people can do it successfully. Inspiration is part of life and artmaking–just do your own thing instead of trying to be someone else…especially when that someone is Jane Fucking Austen. Try as you might, you are not her. 

Other Adaptations

The four adaptations discussed here obviously are only the tip of the iceberg. There are so many adaptations out there, many from the last twenty years alone. Wikipedia can provide an exhaustive list, but here are some others that I considered for this post. 

  • Emma Approved, 2013, YouTube Series 
  • Aisha, 2010, an Indian film adaptation of Clueless/Emma, Available to stream on Hulu
  • Jane Fairfax, a novel, by Joan Aiken, 1997; told from the point of view of Jane Fairfax
  • Audible presents, Emma, This is an abridged, radio show version of Emma that feels like an audiobook. I listened to this driving to Orlando from Nashville in 2022 and it made the hours fly by (my god Georgia and Florida are SO boring). Also Emma Thompson should narrate everything. 

Next time on Overthinking…

Wouldn’t it be great if I could actually promise what was next? 

I’m not there yet, but one day.

Footnotes

  1.  Why so many? There are other common periods where historical romances are set: the Viking era, medieval, Victorian, and the American west. These are all English historical romances–I can’t speak to the genre in any other language.
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  2. For instance, there have been so many queer historical romances in the past 3 to 5 years. Goodreads has a list of some of them! ↩︎
  3. Learn more about Free Indirect Discourse/Speech. ↩︎
  4. Most of the characters in Emma’s orbit/age range all share having a mother who died in their infancy or childhood, or is otherwise absent. Frank Churchill’s mother, the first Mrs. Weston, died, and he was sent to live with his mother’s sister. Jane Churchill was an orphan living who was taken in by her female relations, Mrs and Miss Bates. Harriet Smith was being raised by a school–having never met her father or knowing his identity. ↩︎
  5. Imagine being a governess for a family where you’d be in forced proximity to abusive and predatory men, controlling mistresses, bratty children, and the like. Or imagine  being a companion to an emotionally and/or physically abusive grande dame who made you wait on them hand and foot. And those types of positions were the best options availableThe less great options run the gamut, from retail to sex work, from being a school teacher to being a factory worker. British society was divided between those who worked and those who owned land. Those who made their wealth through trade were not considered socially acceptable by the upper class, though the more money the tradesman had, more doors were opened to them. For more about modern marriage (including how it impacted the US debutante culture), see Kristen Richardson, The Season: A Social History of the Debutante. ↩︎
  6.  I certainly don’t think that the social structure in the early-19th century had it right. Ultimately Harriet had the privilege of money which certainly helped her out more than not. ↩︎
  7.  There are also some stories that just get told again and again in the same media: A Star is Born, most recently adapted in 2018 with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper at the helm, was the fourth remake; all titled A Star is Born, the original was released in 1937, first remade in 1954 (with Judy Garland), and then again in 1976 (with Barbra Streisand). 1996’s You’ve Got Mail had earlier iterations in the A Shop Around the Corner (1940) and In the Good Old Summertime (1949)–all were adaptations of a 1937 Hungarian play called Parfumerie
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  8. The director’s aim was to “make viewers forget” Ang Lee’s 1995 version of Sense and Sensibility, and that is BLASPHEMY OF THE HIGHEST ORDER. It’s a good thing this isn’t a post about Sense and Sensibility adaptations. ↩︎
  9.  Not to mention the fact that chattel slavery still existed in this time period! Though Britain had made purchasing slaves illegal in 1807, it did not outlaw owning slaves until the 1830s. Re: dressing themselves, yes I understand that a lot of upper-class regency garments were difficult or impossible to put on without assistance–but that was a choice of the upper class. Conspicuous consumption and all that. 
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  10.  Johnny Flynn was the main character of a British TV Show called Scrotal Recall in the UK and Lovesick in the US. It’s hilarious. 
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  11.  2022’s Persuasion with Dakota Johson tries to do the same thing, but I think falls a little short. Maybe that’s a post for another day, but I don’t intend this series to be all Jane Austen 😂
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2024, Uncategorized

The Quest for my Favorite Nashville Coffee Shop

There are not many things I love more than coffee. I am one of those annoying people whose love of coffee is a part of their personality. This love was forged in the crucible of graduate school and has grown even more since bariatric surgery since it’s one of the only other things I could drink besides water for a while that I like (not a huge tea fan). I. LOVE. COFFEE.  

Writing my dissertation in one of my standard Bloomington coffeeshops, Crumble Coffee.

Maybe even more than coffee, I love a coffee shop. Most of my dissertation was written in the coffeeshops of Bloomington, Indiana. The atmosphere, the smells, the white noise of conversation, provide an excellent atmosphere for my brain to work, especially to write. 

In Bloomington, I had a selection of a few classic shops that fit the bill for me and they definitely set the standard for what I expect and desire from a coffee shop. Since moving to Nashville in 2021, I have yet to find a coffee shop that fits all of my desires, though I’ve certainly found some good, if imperfect, candidates. 

What makes a perfect coffee shop? 

Good Coffee This one should go without saying, but the coffee should be good. Hopefully ethically sourced beans, a variety of good roasts, solid espresso, and a good variety of flavored syrups. Even better if you can choose from a wide variety of preparations beyond drip and espresso (french press, chemex, etc.) 

Talented Baristas Good coffee is nothing when you don’t have someone with skills pulling your coffee. An oversweet or unbalanced latte ruins it. 

Sugar Free/Non-Fat Options This is a newer requirement for me, but I need a coffee shop that has sugar free syrups and non-fat milk for my fancy lattes. This is a surprisingly difficult thing to find so far–a lot of the higher end coffees, understandably–go for more natural sweetener options like honey or agave, but there are plenty of people that can’t have sugar but may want sweet.  

Ceramic mugs and not just paper to-go cups: I get why this is less common of a thing, it’s a resource thing. But let’s be real, sometimes coffee served in cardboard tastes like cardboard. There’s nothing better or more enjoyable than wrapping your hands around a warm ceramic mug and enjoying your beverage. 

A cozy and inviting atmosphere This is, of course, a highly subjective category. Whatever your aesthetic, the coffee shop needs to relax, not tense. Coffee shops that tend to go too industrial with their look sometimes turn me off, but the industrial look can be balanced out by features designed for comfort. 

Does ANYBODY like these chairs? Like actually like them?

Comfortable and ample seating First, if these chairs are present, -1,000 points, STRAIGHT TO JAIL, who invented them and why, I will not return to your coffee shop. The places I love best have a blend of seating: tabletops, armchairs, bars. Something for everyone. I know some spaces just don’t allow for a lot of seating, but I like to set up at a coffee shop for a few hours, so if there isn’t a lot of seating, I’m not going to monopolize a spot, because that doesn’t do the shop any favors. If a shop has outdoor seating, EVEN BETTER. If it has COVERED outdoor seating. AMAZING. This is a winning spot. Outdoor seating can be a crap shoot too, like if it’s just smack in the middle of a parking lot next to a busy road, I guess it’s a nice thing to have, but…not ideal.

Sweet and Savory Some coffee shops go too sweet. My favorite shops have a light lunch menu that allows you to really get what you need for at least breakfast and lunch. Nowadays, I’m not able to eat any of the sweet options, so if there are some eggs or protein on the menu I am THRILLED. Something that isn’t too bready is also super welcome. 

Neutral Background: This is a little vague, but coffeeshops can often be subsidiaries of larger organizations, such as churches, as a part of their outreach. I’m not interested in that. If it has a charitable goal, I want it to be clear and up for me to decide if I want to support the cause that the coffee shop does. 

Convenience Is it easy to park? Easy to get a table? Or is it impossible to do so? Is it worth it to combat any of those things to go if it does? Is it too crowded or overrun with Nashelorettes? Again is it worth it to combat the droves of folks? 

Parameters of the Quest

Now I’ve lived in Nashville for almost 3 years now, yet I definitely don’t have a chosen coffee shop that suits all of these needs. To be fair, now that I’m not in graduate school I definitely spend less time haunting these spaces, but some of that is just because I haven’t found THE place, yet. 

So one of my fun goals for 2024 is to visit new coffee shops and return to rate the ones I’ve been to in the past. It’s all in good fun and just because a shop doesn’t meet my criteria doesn’t mean that it’s not worth supporting (unless it has those GODAWFUL chairs.) 

Scoring

Points will be given for: 

Coffee: 3 possible points that will be awarded for quality of the coffee and the diversity of choices available. Bonus points will be awarded if there’s a visible effort to demonstrate that the coffee is sourced ethically. In general, I will order the same drink at each location as a level of quality control. Sugar free vanilla, low/non-fat milk iced latte.  (I’ve also limited myself to only 2 lattes out per week in 2024.)

Environment: 3 points will be awarded for seating, quality, diversity, and quantity; atmosphere; and ambiance. 

Ease of Access: 1 point will be assessed for how easy it is to park and navigate the coffee shop. Are you fighting with crowds and seating? 

Miscellaneous: While I think those categories will cover most everything, I’m going to put an extra point on the table for things that I have not forecast. 

Schedule

The goal is to batch coffeeshops by month. Chances are I will not visit a bunch, every month, but I will pepper in those that I have already visited since coming to Nashville into those monthly posts. 

Shops and Shop Selection

Below is a general list of shops I have visited and ones I want to visit. I am sure that I am missing many good opportunities, and there will be more shops that open in 2024, I am sure. 

Also some of these have multiple locations. The score only applies to the individual shop since seating/ambience, etc, can vary by location. However, I will privilege visiting entirely new shops rather than visiting all locations of another shop. I also will not be privileging coffee shops inside other businesses (like hotels and hospitals). Some may pop up on the list (like The Poindexter), but in general, that’s not my target. 

Shops that I have visited so far: 

  • Crema Brentwood
  • Well House Coffee Granny White Pike
  • Well House Coffee Bellevue
  • 8th & Roast – Vanderbilt 
  • Dose Coffee – West End
  • Bongo Java
  • White Bison 12 South
  • Portland Brew 12 South
  • Frothy Monkey 12 South 
  • Three Brothers Coffee 
  • Honest Coffee Roasters in L&L Market 
  • Land of a Thousand Hills Coffee
  • District Coffee
  • Matryoshka 
  • The Poindexter 
  • The Library Cafe – Germantown 
  • Red Bicycle – Smyrna 
  • Farm City Coffee – Nashville Farmer’s Market
  • Hanna Bee Coffee 
  • Caliber Coffee – Donelson 
  • The Fainting Goat – Spring Hill 
  • The Coffee House at Second and Bridge

Coffee shops to Visit

  • Just Love – multiple locations 
  • Headquarters West End 
  • Brightside Bakeshop
  • Trinity Coffee, Plaza Mariachi
  • Sweetwaters Coffee & Tea
  • 8th & Roast – 8th Ave
  • Humphrey St. Coffee Shop
  • Osa Coffee Roasters
  • Americano Lounge
  • Barista Parlor Hillsboro Village (or any location)
  • Fido Edghill/Hillsboro Village
  • Badass Coffee of Hawaii  Hillsboro
  • TinCup Coffee Midtown
  • Killebrew Coffee Midtown
  • Grandpa Bar – Coffee & Cocktails
  • Hummingbirthd Coffee – Downtown
  • Good Citizen Coffee Co – Downtown
  • Steadfast Coffee –  Germantown 
  • Elegy Coffee – Germantown
  • Surefire Coffee – Germantown
  • Weak Coffee – East 
  • Ugly Mugs Coffee & Tea – East 
  • Sky Blue Cafe – East 
  • Slow Hand Coffee and Bakeshop
  • Hearts  – 12 South 
  • Troll House Cottage – Donelson
  • Little Coffee Joint – Donelson 
  • Momento Speciality Coffee – Hermitage 
  • Bakery & Cafe – Flour your Dreams
  • Sweetwaters Coffee & Tea
  • The Good Cup – Franklin 
2024

2024 Goals and Plans

Speaking of planners, I’m super excited to use my 2024 Rad & Happy Planner.

Perhaps it’s a holdover from grad school, but I really, really love concrete goals and objectives. A syllabus. Plans. Planners! It may be cliché, but I do enjoy setting some benchmarks for myself and for the year and when better to do than in the first week of the year? To that end, I am going to share some of my goals for the year. 

These are, ultimately, fairly chill goals. I don’t have anything ridiculous (I think) on this list.

A few notes before I get into the nitty gritty. 

  • When I am trying to limit something (a food, purchasing something, doing something) it’s for reasons that are entirely my own. I don’t think that anyone else should also limit that thing. I’ll try to explain why I’ve selected this goal and what I’m hoping to achieve by limiting or eliminating. 
  • Same for things I am trying to do. Just because I want to, doesn’t mean anyone else should either. 
  • Goals are at their basis something to work towards, but working towards goals that no longer serve my current needs/situation is not something that I want to do. I reserve the right to change my mind and adapt my goals. 
  • Similarly, I’ve built some exceptions into my goals in order to make them realistic and attainable. 
  • I am not sharing all of my goals. Just the ones I’m okay with sharing. 🙂 

Thus, in no particular order, my goals of 2024. 

Improve my financial situation.

Ideally–in all things–I’d like to end each year in a ‘better’ place than I started. This is especially true with finances. After years and years in graduate school making negative dollars, I have some catching up to do in this scenario. I have a few things that I am attempting in 2024 to get there. 

No Buy List

I saw some folks on social media updating folks on their no-buy lists for 2023. Intrigued, I watched a few videos to get a sense of what they were putting on their list and realized that this type of list was something I kind of tried to do on the regular, but hadn’t ever thought through it consciously. So I put together a 2024 no-buy list to both save some cash and reduce clutter. 

This is a two-fer. Buying my nephew random-ass shit from the Target Dollar Section. *eyeroll*
  • Soap – Body, Hand, Face, Laundry, Dish, Shampoo, Conditioner etc. (Unless I run out completely.) 
  • Make-Up & Beauty Supplies – Except replacing mascara. 
  • Home Decor – Except frames for crafts. 
  • Fabric – Only to complete WIPs already underway. 
  • Target Dollar Section Stuff – PERIOD. I DON’T NEED ANY OF IT. 
  • Cat Toys – PERIOD. THEY LIKE TRASH. 
  • Random Gifts – PERIOD. IT’S USUALLY FOR YOUR NEPHEW AND HE DOESN’T NEED ANYTHING ELSE. Only birthday and Christmas.
  • Candles – Use the large collection of candles that I already have. 
  • Office Supplies – Notebooks, pens, etc. Use what you already have. 
  • Video Games – Switch and phone. You have several games to complete. 
  • Drinkware – No Yetis, Stanleys, or mugs. Even if you want another place to put stickers. This, logically, might also restrict my sticker purchases! 
  • LIMIT: You can only have 2 lattes out per week. 
  • LIMIT: Only purchase one book a month, preferably at an Indie Bookseller. 
  • LIMIT: Magic spoon order, twice per year. 
I love coffeeshops. By limiting the number of lattes out that I allow myself, I’m hoping to be more strategic about my spending, leaning into the experience of the coffee shop and supporting small business like Matryoska Coffee

Things that are on other people’s no buy lists that I didn’t put on mine: Clothes, certain types of cleaning products, kitchen appliances or gadgets, bedding, office supplies, art supplies (this is kind of on mine, in office supplies), rugs, cars, tools, jewelry, shoes, plants, gardening supplies, lawn items, subscription services (everything from streaming services like Netflix and Spotify to meal-kit deliveries like Blue Apron and Hello Fresh), coffee, LOTS of food items. Some folks had more umbrella items that they wouldn’t purchase: fast fashion, plastic, non-biodegradable items. Some went so far to say they wouldn’t eat out, travel, etc. Some of these seem far too restrictive to me, but as  I said before, to each their own! Also, I think this is a highly subjective list to put together–it all depends on what your spending habits are and what about them you want to change.

Reduce Debt

Like most Americans, I have debt, both credit card and student loans. I would really like to reduce the majority or half of my credit card debt by half this year. (This is sustainable.

Move

In 2022, my apartment complex raised my rent $300+ (a 25% hike). Most of my neighbors have moved out–I learned from one that the year after their $300+ hike, their rent was raised $800, thus they were leaving. I was angry enough about the first hike–the second hike (which matches what they’re charging new residents, albeit new tenants get a whole lot of upgrades) would be entirely unsustainable. Thus in 2024, I’ll be finding something that hopefully works for my budget and my work-from-home life. 

Take care of my mind and body.

Honestly, this encompasses the rest of the list! 

Move My Body

Generally, I’d like to do 2 group-exercise classes per week as well as go for 1 or 2 30+-minute walks. 

Read

Every year I set a reading goal and I almost always meet it. Last year had a lot of slumps, and that makes sense because a lot of my free time was occupied by job hunting. This year I hope to read at least 65 books. 

Finish WIPs

I have several in-the-works quilts, all at various stages, that I’d like to finish, ideally before buying any new materials. 

Declutter

Since I’ll be moving this year, there are plenty of things I can stand to get rid of. I hope to reduce craft supplies, books, media, kitchen stuff, and just memorabilia that I just store. 

Socialize Consciously

I am happier when I have regular social interaction. I moved to Nashville with a pre-existing friend group and I have made some great friends since moving here. But I want to give myself more opportunities to socialize, and be more proactive in socializing. 

Write!

I love to write, weirdly, which is good, since I’ve done a lot of it in my life. There are a lot of things I want to write and I know that the best way to get there is to make it a habit.

That’s it, my 2024 goals for public consumption!

I am excited about these goals and for the plans that I have in the future, which I think makes it a more achievable, sustainable plan. I’m sure there will be moments where I either regret or doubt the sustainability of my goals, but I’m not looking for perfection. One of my favorite grad school mottos–“Perfection is the enemy of the good”–sums up my mentality for tackling these 2024 goals. I’ll take good over perfect. 

Bonne Année to everyone and good luck with your own goals 0r lack of goals!

2023, Personal

2023 Whoops-A-Daisy

I managed to make it through all of 2023 without updating my blog. As this year draws to a close, I want to reflect on the year but am not quite sure what I expected for 2023; this year certainly took me on a journey. It wasn’t a bad year, but there were definite peaks and valleys (as there always will be) but some of the valleys were pretty low. The year was not a total loss by any means, and it’s definitely ending on a high note. 

My goal for 2024 is to actually write about interesting things, so let’s wrap up 2023 in a mega post and MOVE ON. 

  1. January
  2. February
  3. March
  4. April 
  5. May
  6. June 
  7. July
  8. August
  9. September 
  10. October 
  11. November 

January

January is always a tough month for me. It’s dark and wintery. The Christmas tree comes down and the twinkly lights are no more. January also just always feels exceptionally long with nothing to look forward to. This January was no different, but there were a few unique lows thrown in just for 2023. 

But first, a high! 

I finally saw a professional staging of my gateway musical Les Misérables. I fell in love with Les Miz when my 10th-grade English class read the novel and my teacher made us listen to some of the songs. I was hooked. This wasn’t my mother’s Rodgers and Hammerstein! The company! The melodies! The staging I saw at TPAC was AMAZING, and the crowd was pumped–full of other musical theater nerds like me. Unfortunately, I think it was at the showing of Les Miz where I acquired…

COVID. Almost 2 years into this pandemic, it finally got me. It hit me like a bus. The main symptom was just being BONE TIRED, I swear I slept for five days straight. I lost my taste and smell, but since I have asthma I was given Paxlovid and one of the side effects was a nasty aftertaste, literally one of the only things I could taste for the entire time I was on the drug. My bout of covid pretty much dominated half of January. 

The month wasn’t a total bust–after recovering from Covid, I had the distinct pleasure of attending my first-ever major league sporting event: a Nashville Predators game! It was SUCH fun and a major high for the month. Even though I was still easily tired after having covid, it was such a thrilling experience. I learned about Fang Fingers, power plays, how we thank Paul, and was very disappointed that no one threw a catfish on the ice. The Predators won and it was a thrilling game. I definitely want to go to more Preds games in the future! 

I won’t go into much detail about the final low of January except to say I began the arduous and exhausting task of trying to find another job. This is not something I had been planning on doing in 2023. To make a long story short, I ended 2022 thinking a promotion was possibly on the horizon, and 2023 began with learning that that wasn’t going to happen. Nashville being the growing metropolis it is and the ever-increasing COL meant that I had to figure something else out. I couldn’t NOT try to find something new. Adulting man, it blows. 

February

February was a relatively slow month, mostly occupied by commencing the job hunt and all of the decisions involved in that process. Fortunately, I also jumped headfirst into an absolutely engrossing series, Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas. Thank god for this series which GAVE ME LIFE. It–for all intents and purposes–has kind of supplanted Harry Potter as “my series” for me. 

In February, I also hit a milestone in my weight loss journey. For the first time I could remember, I weighed less than 200 lbs. This came with some expected, though entirely novel, side effects. I was PERPETUALLY COLD. Working in the office became relatively painful because the climate control was so frightfully cold. As someone who always “ran hot” this was truly a shift.

Six, one of my new favorite musicals, came to TPAC in February of 2023. I had had the privilege of seeing SIX in May of 2022 on Broadway (I never wrote a post about third, fourth, and fifth shows on Broadway! I need to fix this!) and fell in love. A quasi-historical reimaging of the stories of the six wives of Henry VIII, this musical is told as if EuroVision-esque competition between the wives as to “who had it worst.” SO when I had the chance to see SIX in Nashville with some favorite local ladies, I JUMPED. Seriously this one is a crowd pleaser–you don’t have to like musicals to be into this one. 

March

Honestly, I remember very little about March–I think I was just trying to keep my head above water. I survived thanks to my continuing journey through Sarah J. Maas’s oeuvre–and I did something I’d never considered before–a tandem read. Two books in the series happen concurrently in different locations and some fans figured out how to progress through both of them chronologically at the same time. It was a great experience and I’m so glad I took the time to tag all of those pages. 

One of my absolute favorite humans visited me for a few days and we went to one of my favorite used bookstores in town, where she went on a mini-spree. March was when a new local friend and I started to hang out with more regularity and I’m so grateful for her–a major highlight of 2023! My nephew (and his parents, lol) spent most of the month in sunny and warm Mexico and I missed my little dude. I was so happy to be reunited with him (and I think he was happy to see his auntie as well).  

April 

April was a great month, besides the ever-pressing job hunt. However, I started to see some preliminary results and got some nibbles, which was encouraging, but still in that uncomfortable liminal stage where it feels like you’re not doing enough. The pressure to find a new job continued to  increase, when I found out that my rent was being increased by hundreds of dollars. My lease was also up on my car in May, so I had to get a new one or decide to purchase my current car (both options brought additional costs). It was a lot and nothing stresses me more than financial matters. 

However, there were SO many good things to focus on in April though: 

  1. I attended a BROADWAY RAVE with some fellow musical theater aficionados. This was essentially a huge dance party to popular Broadway musicals, lots of folks in costumes, and scream singing some of the best hits of the musical theater canon. My friends and I dressed as 3 out of the 6 wives from Six, and it was SO much fun. 
  2. One of my besties, Ashley, hosted someone who had never been to Nashville before so I helped her play tour guide in our town. Now, I’ve been on a very similar tour of Nashville over 10 years ago given by Ashley–it was wild to think about how much has changed since that first tour, both for me and for Nashville–I mean, *I* live here now! It was great fun to see the city through different eyes, colored by that patina of nostalgia and how much we’ve both changed since 2009. 
  3. I began watching Star Trek Voyager. Immediately I was in love with Captain Kathryn Janeway, a total mother effing badass. She’s my new hero and this year has definitely been defined by that love. 
  4. I got a new car! I traded in my Honda HRV for a Honda CRV. I love my new car. I also managed to upgrade with very little additional costs. (They want to sell my used car for a lot more than they’d get from me, so they’re motivated to let me off the lot with a shiny new car.)
  5. My Nashville besties and I took my nephew to Chattanooga for a fun weekend getaway. I hadn’t been to Chattanooga before, and it was fun to stretch my legs outside of Nashville. Aunties took Skyler to the children’s museum to give mom some time to herself, we tried to dip ourselves in an absolutely freezing pool, we walked around the compact downtown area, and we visited the Tennessee Aquarium, which was a lot of fun, but for the most part, seemed to be lost on the youngest member of our party. 

May

In May, I celebrated my one-year surgery-anniversary. At that point, I had lost 166 pounds overall and 111 pounds since surgery. I definitely noticed so many differences in how I existed physically in the world around me. I could work out. I could lift. I could walk for miles without my feet hurting. 

All of this was put to the test as I made a trip to Chicagoland at the end of the month. Wildly, even after almost a decade of living in the midwest, I had never been to Chicago. (I was a poor grad student after all.) On this trip I stopped very briefly in Bloomington for the first night, and then drove to Chicago. I saw not one but two of my favorite people, including some Nashville folks who were also there at the same time. It was a great week of low-key exploring Chicago, visiting museums, trying out coffee shops, and spending time with some of my favorite humans. I immediately fell in love with Chicago–I love a big city and Chicago has so much to offer. My East-Coaster self was blown away to be near such a large body of water and to not be able to feel and smell the salt in the air. I can’t wait to explore more of Chicago on another visit. 

June 

Returning to Nashville after the high of Chicago felt rough. I had a few job prospects which gave me hope, but it all felt like a bunch of waiting and twiddling my thumbs and screaming into the void. To make matters more uncomfortable, the upcharge in my rent was due to begin in July. I felt the clock ticking, and that is a hard place for me to be in. Cue anxiety and panic. 

Fortunately, there were lots of other great things in the month of June. I had more bestie fun time. I attended my first Pride celebration in Nashville with some of my Nashville framily. It was oh so hot, but it was so nice to be out and about and celebrating love (even though I had my very first eye stye which was SO painful). 

I also saw my third musical of the year, a gender-bent staging of 1776 where all of the roles were played by women. While I enjoyed myself, it’s not a musical that really speaks to me and while it was fun to have women play the roles, I honestly don’t know how much it really brought to the table. I think I’d have loved to see a broader reimagining than simply flipping the cast’s genders.

June ended with a rejection that was a true bummer and sent me on a small spiral. Hindsight, of course, lets me see that it wasn’t the right fit, but that was hard to see and deal with at the moment. Thus, I went into July fairly demoralized, but still hoping that some of the other things I was pursuing would work out. 

July

July was rough. It was a long month full of job-search and money anxiety. My new rent had officially kicked in. I tried to fill July with fun things: time spent with friends doing fun things, spending time with my nephew, consuming books and Star Trek like it was my job, and crafting. 

Throughout my weight loss journey, it feels like there have been moments where I felt like I moved into another ‘phase.’ I feel like I moved into a different phase in July. While the number on the scale shifts less and less (and that’s okay, I really don’t care about the number), I am still losing inches as I keep working on my fitness. July is when I really started to notice how very different I felt AND looked. I began to look forward to putting together outfits–mostly from the clothes generous people around me were kind enough to pass down. (Let me tell you, having to replace your entire wardrobe several times in the space of one year blows, see the earlier notes about how much money matters stress me out). 

At the beginning of July, I made it to the final round of yet another job, only to find out by the end of it that I did not get it. Again, hindsight is 20/20, but at the time, it was a gutpunch, and I went into August super-duper demoralized. 

August

In August, I began applying for jobs that were not work-from-home and some that were outside of Nashville. I knew I needed to adjust my criteria to make ends meet soon. I was feeling the pressure. I started to get bites pretty immediately and that eased some fears while creating new ones. 

I tried to keep up my spirits by doing fun things with my Nashville framily. One of the highlights included a ghost tour of Nashville’s famed Ryman Auditorium. While I’ve seen shows there, I had never been on any kind of tour, and certainly not a ghost tour. I got to stand on the stage of the Ryman–once the home of the Grand Ole Opry (now located a bit farther out of town)–AND explore the under stage area, which was suppppper creepy (and pix were verboten). 

I also had an afternoon o’fun with my nephew that will definitely be a new core memory for me. I surprised him by picking him up from school on what had to be the hottest day of the year. When I picked him up, I asked him what he wanted to do and he said, “GET SPRINKLE DONUTS.” Now when I got him, most donut shops were closed so we went to Target to get some snacks for a playground picnic and I intended to get him a sleeve of those mini-donuts. I couldn’t find a sleeve of the donuts at the store, and he totally saw the giant bag of donuts, and of course, I got it for our picnic. 

At the playground, it was so maddeningly hot. We hadn’t even been out for like 5 minutes and he already was looking a little red from the heat, not the sun. We sat on a bench and I proceeded to watch in awe as my nephew pounded down at least six donuts in rapid succession. When I told him I would get him a sleeve of donuts, I told him he could eat them all; he thought that applied to the bag as well. Because I didn’t want to police his food, I encouraged him to slow down so he didn’t hurt his belly and suggested that we play. He complained a bit because he wanted more donuts, but eventually he decided to climb the tower to the slide…when he got ALMOST to the top he started yelling that he needed help to get the rest of the way. I got up there and helped him up–uncertain about what it was that he needed help with. As soon as he was freed, he slid down the slide, made a mad break for the bag o’ donuts and ran to one of the picnic shelters and had eaten yet another handful of donuts by the time I got down there. 

I was simultaneously mad and impressed. What a complex, multi staged con! I let him have his handful and then suggested a different activity so he didn’t make himself sick–it was also so hot, and for *me* a bunch of mini donuts in the sweltering heat would have hit my stomach like lead.

August was a month

Opening up my job search to other cities proved to be a good tactic. I immediately had two interviews that went exceedingly well at institutions in other cities, both of which were an incredibly close match to my previous skills and experience. One job I had to eliminate because the compensation would not be adequate, especially as I would have had to move. The other job felt like a good fit from the very beginning: conversations with the team went incredibly well and the individual who would be my boss was so direct and forthright.

However, I stressed about the possibility of moving. That had NOT been on my 2023 scorecard, and the ability to WFH was something that was very important to me. I knew for this job, hybrid was on the table. But leaving Nashville? With all of my surgery adventures, it felt like I just arrived! 

I tried to keep the stressing to a minimum. After making it to the final round for two jobs in close succession, I tried not to borrow tomorrow’s troubles.

But then it happened. A job offer. For a FULLY REMOTE job. It was a whirlwind compared to most of my previous job hunting experiences. And it was such a relief. 

After eight months of searching, my goal had been accomplished. I had a new job that not only would pay me more more money as I so desperately needed giving rising COLs AND it would be entirely work from home. 

Obviously, I took the offer, and my new job would start on October 1. 🙂

September 

I began September in a whole new place. I gave notice at my job. I began the long process of saying goodbye to all of my colleagues. When I had started my job in 2021, I believed I was laying a foundation for a long-term career at that institution. While I knew that I needed to do what was best for me now and not what a past version of myself intended, it was still a grieving process of a sort, to have to adjust my plan, and do something off book. I’m proud of myself for doing what I need to do, but I think a (very small) part of me will always be (a little) sad that it didn’t turn out the way I planned. Thus September was a lot of goodbyes, but also a lot of excitement. 

I was not sad to say goodbye to the horrible Nashville heat. In September, I committed to taking morning walks and embracing my (upcoming) WFH reality while the weather and daylight allowed. I also wanted to take advantage of my wonderful walkable neighborhood while I can (I will be moving in 2024 because the rent will likely get hiked again, see note about Nashville COL). 

My fourth musical of the year was 9 to 5 by Nashville Repertory Theatre. Hands down this is my favorite production that I’ve seen this year. Not that the casts of the other shows weren’t stellar, but Nashville Rep always shows up, and this show was not any different. It felt special to see 9 to 5–a musical written by Dolly Parton inspired by one of her classic films–in Nashville, a city particularly dedicated to the cult of Dolly Parton. The leads of this show, which included some local theater legends, were SUPERB. There was not a missed note, step, or opportunity. They hit all the notes, literally and metaphorically, not a single thing wasn’t excellent. One thing I love about Nashville Rep shows is that they feel way more like seeing a show on Broadway, the theater is smaller and more intimate, everything just hits different and better (literally, the big theater at TPAC just isn’t as good acoustically). 

September ended with a FunEmployment week. I was lazy, I met up with friends at coffee shops and vineyards, and I drove to NC to visit one of my favs who was also celebrating a week of FunEmployment before starting a new job on October 1st. It was delightful to literally reset with a gorgeous early-Fall drive to the mountains to clear my mind and prepare myself to start my new job! 

October 

October is my favorite month and October 2023 will forever be a highlight. It started on a high and ended on a high. 

For starters, I began my new job. 

Shortly after, I celebrated my birthday and my friends indulged me with a themed party: Queens. We had Freddie Mercury(s), Dairy Queen, queens from Six, Queen Bees, Boudica, a Chess Queen, Prom Queens, QEII at Balmoral, and a (future) Queen (basically I used it as a chance to do Kate Middleton cosplay). I had so much fun and was able to visit with some of my favorite people, many of whom I hadn’t seen together in forever. Also, I wanted to have cake because it’s my birthday dammit, but I wanted to capture what I love about cupcakes is the variety of flavors. So I had a ‘cake-cuterie’ board, a bunch of different flavors of super bougie cakes and cupcakes and I was able to sample a bunch of flavors without overdoing it and making myself sick. This will be how I do my birthday for the rest of my life. 

After beginning with starting a new job and a great birthday party with some of my favorite people in attendance, the rest of October continued the hype: 

  1. There was a quilt retreat where I got to spend time with some of my favorite Nashville quilty ladies. 
  2. I attended the Southern Festival of Books on a gorgeous fall day for the first time not knowing quite what to expect. Held at the same place as Nashville’s Pride festival, it was about ⅓ of the size, and was more vendor/author based with panels and presentations–almost a conference and not quite just a festival. We didn’t get to attend any of the talks though. Next year, I think I’ll do a little more advanced planning and maybe not go with a four year old. 
  3. I saw my fifth musical of the year, Wicked. It was my first time seeing the show staged and it was so close to the musical’s twentieth anniversary. It was so wild to see a show that is familiar to me for the first time. There weren’t really any gaps in my mind, but it’s wild experiencing it. 
  4. I went to some fun Nashville pop-up bars! I don’t drink, but I love how fun pop-up bars are! I honestly think I’d love coming up with these mini-experiences. Anyway, we went to a Willy Wonka themed bar as well as a Wicked one! We unfortunately missed the Wicked bar’s hours, but one of the employees kindly let us in to see it. Very well done and I am so glad these types of popups are on my radar now. 
  5. Pretty much since I fell in love with Janeway, I wanted to be her for Halloween, but a “grey-tank” version of her. When the Captain takes off her outer jacket and is just wearing either her turtleneck or, in even more serious contexts, just her grey tank, it means the Captain is about to kick ass. I think I pulled it off, even if Janeway had to put on her jacket because it was frigid
  6. Inspired partly by Janeway, I got my hair cut and I don’t think I’ve ever loved a haircut of mine more. I showed the stylist a pic of Dana Scully and Captain Janeway and I told her to split the difference between the two styles and she did a great job. I had a lot of regrowth from surgery recovery and this haircut totally gave me a refresh and solved the issue of making my hair look more healthy. 

November 

After such a great October, I was afraid November would be hard pressed to live up to the month before. However, it was a great month, where I have been able to take stock of all of the things I can be grateful for. Even though this year has been hard, it’s reminded me of my many blessings. I began to settle into my new routine at work, in spite of the time change and the sun setting at 4:30 PM (ugh). 

Here are the highlights: 

  1. I met my one of my absolute favorite RPDR queens, the wonderful Ginger Minj (It’s a threeway tie for me between Ginger, Jinkx, and Dela, with Lady Camden doing her best to jété her way in there.) Ginger has written a wonderful memoir/cookbook that’s as hilarious, warm, and wise as she is. 
  2. I made an entirely impractical clothing purchase. I saw this shiny sweater at Express when running errands with my friend. I fell in love. I tried it on. I loved it. I dithered. She convinced me to get it (hehe) and I felt slightly better because it was 50% off. I can’t wait to wear it. 
  3. I had the privilege of seeing a friend’s kiddo’s theatrical debut in a play called “Puffs, or Seven Increasingly Eventful Years at a Certain School of Magic.” It was such a fun night seeing youths enthusiastically perform excellent source material with some of my favorite ladies. I would love to see a professional production of this show that was truly hilarious in the hands of budding thespians–I can’t imagine how much I’d laugh to see it performed by professionals.
  4. I love books and I had it in my head to do an indie bookshop (and coffeeshop) crawl in Nashville–it wouldn’t take that long because there weren’t many, and I’d spend a little money in each shop.  One of my fellow book lovers and I tried this concept and even though it wasn’t a shopping or caffeine spree, it was great fun. 
  5. For months my nephew has been asking for a double-auntie night with me and his other Nashville auntie. We finally made it happen in November and we wore him out. I love spending time with this little dude and seeing him grow. It’s such a privilege to be his auntie. When his mom and dad told him that he was having his “Double Auntie Vacation,” he broke out into a huge grin and said, “I’ve been waiting for this for years.” 
  6. In November of 2023, I reached the milestone of having lost over 180 pounds. I now weigh less than the amount of weight that I’ve lost, which is wild. I feel great, which is the most important thing, along with improving my relationship with food. 

General Takeaways from 2023 

Embrace knowing your limits and when to walk away

This has been 2023’s lesson and truly I think is one of the biggest lessons of adulthood. Being firm in what your limits are, what you are willing to accept, and drawing your own boundaries is something that is so difficult to cultivate (especially as people pleaser to the -enth degree), but I know this is a skill that I will continue to nourish in 2024. This also applies to knowing how much to engage with things happening in the world over which I ultimately have little control–I’ve been trying hard to not let world events overpower my emotions (for that isn’t productive) and concentrate on the things I can do. This will take a long time to unlearn and will probably always be imperfect, but in AD 2023, it is necessary. 

Learning the new normal with food

A lot of people assume that once you have bariatric surgery that–poof–everything is normal. Problem solved. Bam you’re skinny. This is wrong for so many reasons (especially as it views the surgery as a means to get “skinny” not recalibrate your health. I say this knowing full well that many people who have bariatric surgery see it this way too.) The past year and half has been all about learning how to navigate food when my body has different needs than it once did. When stresses arise, how do I give myself that hit of dopamine that a yummy nummy snack once did? (This was especially hard as I navigated a stressful job hunt while working a full-time job.) It’s been a journey, and I’m sure there have been mistakes, but I feel so much more confident that I can make better food decisions than I did before. 

Body & Food Neutrality 

Related to the above, as I’ve lost weight, I feel like I’ve become even more supportive of body neutral mentalities. It’s strange when you perceive people treating you differently. It’s strange when you start to receive comments on how “good” you look, especially when the quiet part of that statement is that that is the best outcome I could have been hoping for and the implication that I didn’t look good before. I even have had people in the past year complain that I wasn’t as “cheery” as I used to be, and when I expressed that I was having a hard time post-surgery (for various reasons), they were in DISBELIEF that anything could be wrong or hard since I was losing weight now and the surgical part was over, totally reinforcing the idea that the only thing a fat person needs to be happy is to be skinny.

However, as some things in my life became easier (moving, finding clothes, not being stared at), it became revealing just how many things were hard before that I didn’t realize, and they didn’t need to be. Though things are getting better, diet culture is so deeply ingrained in our culture it’s hard to unravel. I know I have more work in this realm to do both for myself and those around me, especially any kiddos in my orbit. 

And that, in a long, rambling nutshell was my 2023–December excluded. It provided many opportunities for growth, both personally and professionally. It’s my goal to end every year in a better place than the year before and I think I succeeded in that goal for 2023 and laid a decent foundation for next year. 

So here’s to 2024! Hopefully the year brings wonderful new adventures, and for my part, more regular efforts to write that don’t necessitate a ridiculously long yearly wrap up. 

2022, books, Personal, Top 10, Travel

2022 in Review

My first full year in Nashville was a momentous one. Here’s a look back in pictures of some of the highlights.

2022 was the year of the musical…..

I saw ten* live stage shows this year, nine of which were musicals, including my FIRST, SECOND, THIRD, FOURTH, and FIFTH shows on Broadway. (I never did a full write up of my second trip to NYC where I saw Funny Girl, A Strange Loop, and SIX, but maybe I will, because I still have thoughts.) I saw PATTI FREAKING LUPONE, Sutton Foster, Hugh Jackman, Beanie Feldstein, and Jane Lynch.

*Shows on Broadway: The Music Man, Company, Funny Girl, A Strange Loop, and Six; Broadway at TPAC: Mean Girls, Hamilton, Oklahoma!, and To Kill a Mockingbird; Nashville Rep: RENT

I wish I could afford to do this every year, but instead I will see every traveling show that I can at TPAC and most things that the Nashville Repertory Theatre does. Already have two shows on the books for early 2023!

2022 was the year of finally having bariatric surgery….

After a long wait, I finally had bariatric surgery. It’s been a journey, and I’m so glad to be on THIS side of things. I’ve lost almost 75 pounds since surgery, and almost 140 lbs since beginning this process. The best part of this journey is just FEELING better. While none of my numbers were in danger territory, they were all on the high end of normal pre-surgery, and 6 months post op my blood sugar, cholesterol, etc., are all on the lower end of normal. I feel in control around food and trust my body in ways I did not before.

2022 was the year of flying to LaGuardia thrice…..

I took the exact same flight to LaGuardia from Nashville three times this year (it was at 5:50 AM). I flew literally nowhere else all year either. Two trips to NYC one in January and May, and then a trip to NJ in August to see one of my besties and to finally meet my godson! I hadn’t been to NYC since 2006, so two and half times in one year was nuts!

2022 was the year of a Framily trip to Disney!

In October, my framily (friend family) went to Disney World, and a few of us went to Universal so that we could finally go to Harry Potter World (everyone else had gone before). It was exhausting, but SO much fun to a) experience my nephew’s first Disney-trip, b) to see how much easier these exhausting days were 100+ lbs lighter, and c) to see Disney with adult eyes with some of my favorite people.

2022 was the year of the book…

As I mentioned in my previous post, I read over 100 books this year, most of it new fiction!

2022 was a year that reinforced how very lucky I am to have a lot of amazing people in my life. A year with such big life changes required that I have a solid support system in place. I am truly rich in friendships. Thank you ❤

2022, books, reading, Top 10

My Year in Books: 2022

I read a lot of books this year. A LOT. My usual goal for my annual Goodread’s challenge is around 50 books, which I sometimes have handily accomplished and other times have woefully fallen short. I set the ambitious goal of 75 books this year as I read 90 books last year, but somehow, some way, I blew past the 75 books and read over 100 books. (101 at writing, but we still have 2 weeks in 2022. I predict 104.)

I’m not sure how or why I did this; I think maybe it’s a combo of factors. One–and this is a big one–I’m no longer in graduate school nor really working on academic work (sadface), so my reading energy is not depleted with academic reading and writing. Second, I have access to a pretty great library system so almost any book I want is available to me relatively quickly. I’ve also tapped into the bookstagram and bookTok worlds, and I get recs far more frequently than I did before. 

Some notable facts about my 2022 reading habits: 

  • I’m a genre loyalist. This should not be surprising. I read a LOT of romances. A LOT. So many. This year saw a higher number of contemporary romance than previous years, but romance is without a doubt my top genre. Mystery/thrillers also made a strong showing, with appearances by some fantasy romances, memoirs, and nonfiction. 
  • Queer Romance is awesome. I love seeing what authors are doing with standard Romance tropes in queer relationships. My 2022 reading list featured a healthy dose of romances with same sex and or trans individuals in the lead roles. 
  • I only re-read 9 books this year. I am a sworn fan of re-reading books. There are some that I visit in moments where I need emotional comfort. My re-reads this year mostly comprise a single series that I never finished and hadn’t read in ages–so it was essentially like reading a new book. (I think this predilection for re-reading may have slowed down my book count in previous years.) 
  • I leaned into DNF’ing books. I usually can tell pretty quickly whether or not I will like a book and if it will pull me in. When I read, I’m looking for some level of escape or immersion–if stylistic quirks or failings pull me out of it, it’s usually pretty quick to tell. I’ve gotten better at letting go–even when I’ve made decent progress–when it’s just not for me. (Those books don’t count to my “read” count.) 

So, without further ado, here are my top books that I read in 2022. 

Top 10 Books, in no particular order

**I will say that few books on this list entered into the pantheon of “instant favorite” and prime re-read material. They were good and I enjoyed them, but not many insta-favorites. 

  1.    The House on the Cerulean Sea, by TJ Klune: This book was a delightful, escapist found-family story/LGBTQ+ romance with a magical twist. The magical element was not overbearing or under-done, but rather provided a framework to explore society’s expectations of what and who people are based on categories over which they have no control. 
  2.    A Lady for a Duke, by Alexis Hall: This is one of the books that I loved owing to the work the author did with expanding the genre of historical/regency romance. With a trans MC, the best friends turned lovers trope definitely took on a new life in the regency setting. The author said they were hoping to set up the romantic plot NOT to be centered around the character’s transness, and I’m not 100% sure they were successful in that, but I love seeing the inclusivity regardless. MORE LIKE IT. 
  3.   A Court of Mist and Fury, by Sarah J. Maas (book 2 in ACOTAR) My sister has lowkey been trying to get me to read this for a while. I finally bit the bullet and read the first three books in this series. I couldn’t possibly savor them–I tore through the first three in less than a week. I still don’t know that the whole genre of fantasy romance is for me, but these books are addictive and this book was the best one. My biggest complaint is there were some anachronistic moments that made me wonder exactly the setting that we were in, but I think I’m just ruined because of my academic training. 
  4.   All the Feels, by Olivia Dade: This series by Olivia Dade is great for its fat positive storylines, and this was my favorite book of the 3 I’ve read. I do think the primary setting of the series isn’t really my jam (the characters are all actors in a TV show that is Very Obviously Based on Game of Thrones, with strong elements of fanfic, fandom culture, that I just didn’t connect with). I’d love to see her write out of this framework. 
  5.   Delilah Green Doesn’t Care, by Ashley Herring Blake: This book and its sequel, Astrid Parker Doesn’t Fail, were probably two of my favorite romances of the year. These sapphic novels just were full of emotion and depth and definitely fit the bill of delightfully escapist romance that I like. Based on what I’ve read so far, Herring Blake is entering my list of ‘always read.” 
  6.   Still Life, by Louise Penny: At my Dad’s recommendation, I read the first book of Louise Penny’s Chief Inspector Gamache series (and subsequently read several others). A classic Christie-esque mystery series set in the fictitious town of Three Pines in Quebec, this is a fantastic mystery series that I will continue to read in 2023.  
  7.   Killers of a Certain Age, by Deanne Rayborn: This book seemed like a step outside of my usual and was definitely a lot of fun. 4 soon-to-be retired lady assassins at around 60 years of age, discover that there are hits on their heads. I don’t usually do this, but one of my friends always casts actors in the roles of book characters. This book is BEGGING to be made into a movie and when it happens, I have some great suggestions for the casting director. 
  8.   I’m Glad My Mom Died, by Jennette McCurdy: The title of this book is shocking, and deservedly so. It was a fascinating read, but it wasn’t really about her working through her gladness at her mother being dead, but more showing you the reasons why. As someone who has a lot of complicated feelings about my own mother’s death, I was looking forward to the unpacking of how you handle well, being glad your mom died. (Not that I am glad my mom died, but my life is in some respects easier now that she is gone. That requires some reckoning.) I kind of hope there’s a follow up in a few years.
  9.   Nine Nasty Words: English in the Gutter–Then, Now, and Forever, by Josh McWhorter: This book was a fascinating exploration of how English’s rudest words were formed and how their use has shifted over time. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, even if I have some disagreements (like, I don’t think a non-rhotic pronunciation of the n-word makes it a different word than the rhotic version, as he suggests at one point…though with lots of caveats.) [He also since penned a book that criticizes wokeness, that I have not read, but its premise is troubling.]
  10.   Stamped from the Beginning: the Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America, by Ibram X. Kendi: This book should be a must read for anyone in the US. It took me a lot longer to get through than it usually takes me because it is such a weighty topic. 

Goals for 2023

  1. Read more diversely. I mean this in a few ways. My read list this year was so romance heavy, it’s clear I have a type. But also, I should be reading more authors of color and non-US authors. I have a few ideas on how I can expand my reading horizons, especially in fiction. A read around the world challenge maybe(a book from every country)? Or pick a continent a year? Or something?
  2. Read more non-fic. Non-fiction is a weird category for me. I don’t consider academic writing the same as popular non-fiction and I have a hard time figuring out how to incorporate academic reading into my reading habits when it’s not “work,” but I want to keep it up so my brain still works. I need to figure out new habits.
2022, Uncategorized, Weight Loss Surgery

Three Months

In the year leading up to my 30th birthday, I set myself an ambitious goal to lose 100 pounds before I turned 30. It was the first year of my life that I consistently worked out, but the progress on the scale was nonexistent. The entirety of my effort focused on adding activity, not shifting my eating habits. 

In 2018, I did Whole 30, mainly as an experiment to see if I could drastically change my eating habits. For 30 days from October to November, I cut out added sugar, grains, dairy, legumes, and preservatives. The goal of this wasn’t to lose weight–in fact if you follow the program strictly you’re not allowed to weigh yourself–but at the end of that month I had lost 20 pounds. The entirety of my effort here was focused on controlling what I was eating. 

While of course this evidence is anecdotal, I learned an important lesson through this. At least for me, if I wanted to lose weight, I needed to go to the kitchen, not the gym. 

The truth to this has been proven to me time and time again since I started the process of getting approved for bariatric surgery in 2020. In the time between October 2020 until May 2021–in a time where I wasn’t going to the gym thanks to COVID–I lost 60+ pounds solely by controlling my eating.

Since having surgery in May 2022, I’ve had to focus on both the kitchen and the gym–plus so much more. It’s been a period of adjustments–new rules, new foods, new responses, new vitamins. So much new all at once. There have been times where I have mentally compared myself to a new mom AND a new baby. The mom has got a whole new thing to take care of that has a schedule all of its own and there’s a lot of new information for her to take in, but life goes on for everyone else. She’s tired, disoriented, and afraid to make a mistake. But on the other hand, I also felt like the baby, who has *feelings.* It doesn’t know what it wants, but it wants you to know it’s not happy. As someone who has not had a kid, this is the closest analogy I’ve been able to come up with to what life is like post bariatric surgery. Everything is new. (FWIW, I’ve named my new stomach Her Majesty.) 

A little after the two month mark, I started feeling like I was finding solid ground. I’d been progressing out of all of the various stages of post-op diets and finally could eat, within reason, normal foods. I was starting to see progress both visually and on the scale. As a creature of habit, I was finally starting to feel settled after 2 month of straight up upheaval.

Right around the 2.5 month mark, I had my first post-surgery trip. After the first leg of my trip was done, I realized that travel itself had been worrying me more than it had in the past; another familiar thing made a stranger by this experience. Before surgery, I could just go and get food wherever. Now, there are certain goals I have to meet: get the requisite amount of protein (80g per day), drink the requisite amount of water (at least 64 oz), take all of my vitamins (way too many). Also for the first time since May 2022, I wouldn’t be fully in control of preparing my own meals–I would be a guest in someone else’s home. It was a lot to process and preparing to travel had me very nervous. 

A non-scale victory: When my nephew, who is now 3.5, was an infant, I realized that my body was not as nimble as it once was–this realization was part of my justification for wanting to make a lifestyle change. I did not trust my body. While traveling, I felt no such insecurity when I met this little dear one (I even got them to sleep and got over an hour of sweaty nap snuggles). ❤️

Fortunately, the trip was incredibly affirming and as per usual my anticipatory stress was unfounded. I was supported by those I was visiting. I felt at liberty to get what I needed and was able to adapt what was available to me to fit my needs. Even better, I was able to judiciously sample foods that I had not had before within reason. For example, one evening dinner was spaghetti and meatballs–I was able to eat a protein-packed dinner of ricotta, meatballs, and sauce AND try a few bites of pasta. The best part of trying these old (problem) foods was to see just how little would satisfy me. I was able to try pasta, bread, and even bites of bagel and brownie in the perfect environment. I did not need to bring these troublesome treats into my home and I was stealing bites from those willing to share. 

The feeling of empowerment this trip gave me was a huge boon–to my mental health and to my overall satisfaction. I am no longer feeling quite like the new-mom/baby combo; rather, I know I’m in control. The week I got back, I had my 3 month post-op appointment (2 weeks before the actual 3-month mark). I told them about my travel and what I had eaten–slightly fearful they would tell me I had done something wrong. I had also been concerned because I have had very few poor reactions to food. However, they told me I was doing everything ‘correctly’ and the reason that I hadn’t had any poor reactions was likely because I wasn’t eating too much of these foods. Problems–quelle surprise–usually happen when eating these foods in excess. 

Beyond these non-scale victories (NSVs), my travel also made me aware of many other such victories. I am able to move my body more easily: I navigated NYC subway turnstiles with my fat body and a suitcase with so much more ease; I did not need a seatbelt extender when I flew; in general, I felt like my body took up less space and attracted less attention from those around me. I gloried in each one.

July 2020 (at my highest weight), the night before my surgery, and August 2022
July 2020 (the only side view I have then!), the night before surgery, and August 2022.
May 2019, not quite at my highest weight, versus July 2022–one of the first times I saw the difference in my face.

 All of these positive realizations seemed to spawn even more. Since then, I have been able to do more in barre, achieving positions that I had not been able to do previously. I haven’t had a nap in ages. I have energy and concentration the likes of which I haven’t had before. Then, this week, I achieved one of my goals that I wanted to reach by 3 months post-op: I have lost 100 lbs from my highest weight, when I started this journey in October of 2020. 

100 lbs seems such an incredibly large number of pounds to have lost. For comparison, here are some things that weigh 100 lbs: a baby hippo (55-120 lbs); grown Rottweilers (95-120 lbs); a 2-month old foal; around 12 gallons of water; 119 cans of soda; and a mother effing cheetah. The mind boggles. In my appointment, I marveled at the doctor about how much easier I was finding every-day things. She remarked that people–especially those who have been morbidly obese for a while–often drastically underestimate the toll that the weight makes on the body. (She did note that not all bodies are built the same and have different limits. I know this seems contradictory to a lot of fat people’s experience in the world of medicine, but some of the best–most humane–treatment I’ve received by doctors has been in the bariatric space.)

The past 3 months have not been easy, but I feel like I’ve turned a corner. I’m not suggesting it will all be sunshine and puppies from here on out, but I feel in control and excited to test out this new normal. I’ve done something I honestly never thought I’d be able to do–the majority all on my own without the help of surgery. All of the NSVs, and to be sure, the scale victory, too, have given me an unexpected boost of confidence. 

I’m looking forward the victories and challenges that the next 3 months will bring.