Category: Personal

2021, Uncategorized, Weight Loss Surgery

Surgery Detour

Charlotte

In April, I had my last supervised weight loss appointment. I completed 6 months of ‘supervised weight loss’ losing 60 pounds since I started the program in October. I passed the program with flying colors. After completing the program, the next steps are insurance approval, then scheduling the surgery, then surgery. However, LIFE happened.

Left: April 2021 compared to (right) July 2020 at my heaviest. Difference of 60 lbs.

In short, I got a new job! One that requires me to move to a new city! Get new insurance! Switch doctors! This move is great for me both personally and professionally, but it does require me to revise my timeline for surgery for a bit, while I settle into a whole lotta new. Instead of having surgery in June/July, I will be moving.

Fortunately, I knew this was a possibility at my last appointment and discussed that option with my surgeon. The timing to switch was really perfect. I completed the strictest pre-surgery requirements (as required by most insurances), and the results of that were good for a period of 2 years. So basically, all I need to do once I get settled is find a surgeon I like, have them contact my previous office, and schedule my surgery.

Until then, I’m in a holding pattern. The goal is to continue my weight loss and stick to the food plan. So far so good! I haven’t lost a lot in the past month, but it follows the basic trend of the previous few months of slow and steady forward movement. I suspect that there will be hard moments, particularly as it becomes less and less convenient to cook as I move, but I am hoping that the process of moving won’t be too disruptive to my overall trajectory.

General feels right now: I feel GREAT. Losing 60+ lbs does wonders for your energy levels. I can move and be flexible again in ways I hadn’t realized had diminished. At my heaviest, I felt so uncomfortable in my skin, but in a way that is constant so you can’t really articulate exactly what that discomfort is. The absence of that discomfort is WONDERFUL. Clothes either fit better or are now too big. I move with greater ease and comfort and power. I do not get winded nearly as often. I *feel* so much better. The number on the scale right now is just one single metric of many.

My passport photo taken in early 2015, nowhere near my heaviest (this was pre-mom’s death and dissertating!) and May 2021 65 lbs down.

2021, Mom thoughts, Weight Loss Surgery

A new kind of adventure in 2021

Charlotte

2020. Unlike most years, I’m not really interested in doing much ruminating on 2020. It was a rollercoaster, one I don’t care to ride ever again. While I totally get that many of the problems we faced in 2020 aren’t magically gone, I am super ready to take reset that a new year offers (even if it’s only a placebo).

2021 will hold a pretty big adventure for me, one that I’ve been wanting to do for a while, and now I’m at a place (read: not a grad student) to do it. If all goes to plan, I will be having gastric bypass surgery in 2021.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go public with this info. There are stigma associated with bariatric surgery. There’s a belief among some that it’s “cheating” or for people that don’t have the willpower to lose weight “correctly.” There are others that believe that weight-loss surgery is fatphobic and irreparably alters a healthy body for no reason, putting thinness ahead of health. Neither of these things are true.* To do my part in breaking down that stigma, I’ve decided to be open about what I’m doing to people in my orbit.

I am doing this surgery because I have always been obese, for as long as I can remember. I am not doing the surgery to lose weight, but rather to keep it off. I also am hoping to stave off type 2 diabetes and high-blood pressure, for which I am particularly high risk owing to family history.

I am doing the surgery because I wonder every day how my life would be different right now if my mom had had the surgical intervention. Would she have died at the age of 59 from a pulmonary embolism (a pretty direct consequence of being obese)? Would she have been happier? Would she have been able to do things with us in the last few years of her life? It is true that skinny does not equal healthy, while it is similarly true that morbid obesity (the worst term) is a deadly state.

I don’t want to wonder those questions about me. I am taking a proactive stance, and trying to prolong my current health for as long as possible. That’s the primary reason why I’m doing this.

It would be wrong for me to say that I am not looking forward to no longer sticking out like a sore thumb. To no longer see people’s eyes rolling when they see that their seat on the airplane is next to mine. To little kids, well-meaning dears who really don’t know better, asking if there’s a baby in my belly. To seeing people’s eyes look you up and down and know that they’re forming some assessment of your interior worth because of the exterior of your body.

Right now, I’m in the pre-op stage, which is dictated by my insurance. In order to qualify for them to cover the surgery, I have to have 6 consecutive months of weigh-ins where I either lose or maintain my weight, pass a series of medical pre-checks, and take several classes. My surgeon requested that I lose 20-25 pounds before surgery and I was put on a diet that’s called a “liver reduction diet” that reduces my carb intake in order to make my liver as small as possible for the surgery.

In the past 2 months, I’ve lost 25 pounds and I feel great. I’m proud of the steps I’ve taken for my health. I’m excited to see where 2021 takes me with this process. I’ve always felt like I was in a war with food, but in the past 2 months, I’ve felt so in control.

I do have concerns, questions, and anxieties about the risks this process entails, but that is for another post and another day. Today, I am excited about possibilities.

My stats as of January 1, 2021

*I do think the approach to bariatric surgery can vary highly. If your surgeon and practice don’t put health first and privilege the goal weight over the rest, I’d find a new surgeon.

2018, EuroTrip 2018, Non-School Charlotte Thoughts, Personal, Uncategorized

Ready…Set…..Go?

Charlotte

The past few weeks have been weird. There’s a time before you leave for a big trip where you have lots of stuff to do both trip and non-trip related, but it’s just a little too early to do it, and you’ve got to just follow up on all of the regular day-to-day rigamarole. You’ve got to stick to business as usual, even though your mind has already boarded the plane.

And trips of this scale are anything but business as usual. I’ll be on the go. My longest stay in any place will be 5 days (Rome). There will be 13 sleeping-stop cities, with several day trips to places outside of the city I’m staying in. Six countries (not including pass-throughs), four of which I’ve never been to before. There will be a lot of new.

There will also be a good dose of the familiar. Returning to France and Italy (sappily) feels like coming home. I get to see two of my favorite people as they live and conduct their own research abroad, and my sister will be [maybe] joining me for the last leg of the trip.

I’ve strategically, and hopefully shrewdly, built people into this trip in ways I definitely did not last year. Airbnbs will be used less regularly, and swapped in for hostels, what look to be nice hostels.  And dang that price point is sweet. Even if I don’t really want to socialize, it will be nice to have people around to talk if I want to do so. And maybe I’ll even make a new friend or two. Plus, hostels seem to be superbly located, and have tons of convenient things built in otherwise (like laundry, cafes, bars, and lounges).

My 2016/2017 trip felt super disruptive. I feel like that’s kind of normal for travel, and makes a lot of sense given what happened in 2016; my life was disrupted fundamentally. In general, I feel like all of my planning and thinking ahead was focused on that trip, and not what lay beyond–the trip, even after I completed in 2017, had a weird aura about it.

That’s not the case with this one. I’ve got stuff to do while I’m away and immediately when I get back. I’m trying to think in small increments, and so far, that’s been working okay mentally. Leaving for six weeks, doesn’t feel as big as it did in 2017, 2016, and 2015. Planning this trip so fast meant not as much time to get myself too hyped up for it.

BUT. I’m ready for it, I think the right kind of ready. Seven plane rides. One bus journey. Incalculable train trips. INCALCULABLE. Annoying tourists. Metros. Trams. Museums. Churches. Walking. Sunburn(s). Breaking out my silly tourist hat. Adding 4 new stamps to my passport! Noms. Beverages (Beer and COFFEE!) Pastries. Gelato. (Okay just FOOD). I’m ready.

My only hesitation, per usual, is leaving behind my darlings. Look at how cute they are.

IMG_8948

2018, Non-School Travel, Personal, Uncategorized

Pittsburgh – Spring Break 2018

Charlotte

Spring Break 2018, my friend E and I left B-town for Pittsburgh to hang out with our dear friend, K! Our goals were few– hang out, catch up, and enjoy what Pittsburgh has to offer. We were so excited to see her because we miss her dearly. Our main cultural excursions were to explore the Carnegie Museums — the Art and the Natural History. It was such a fun space, and I definitely could have spent a lot more time there. I guess I just have to go back 😉

IMG_8394

Me super digging the plaster casts of architectural features from major buildings from the Western canon. The above photo includes a cast from the portals of the Abbey of Saint Gilles in France and is but one fantastic thing to be found in the Hall of Architecture. IMG_8430

The architecture wasn’t just amazing in copy, but the museum itself was fantastic. IMG_8465

AND not only was the architecture fantastic, there were dinosaurs.

IMG_8452

Non-School Charlotte Thoughts, Non-Travel Charlotte Thoughts, Personal

New Year’s…Resolutions?

Charlotte

I don’t really like the idea of New Year’s Resolutions– they always seem to be the trite “new year, new me!” kind of thing. I do, however, LOVE the idea of fresh starts and new beginnings. For instance, I have a slightly obsessive Sunday ritual where I essentially clean my house, wash my clothes, get all of the little odds and ends done around the house, so that the work week can start with everything ‘just so.’ There’s a whole lot of a benefits to this ritual for me (and some, to be fair, detractors), so I’ve taken today, a Monday, to be the “Sunday” for 2018.

Instead of resolutions, which I see as burdensome and onerous, permeated with the idea of unpleasantness, I have a few fun goals for 2018, that are instead tinged with fun. I have a few of those boring health and work minded ones too, but who wants to read about those?

  1. Don’t re-read books. I love re-reading books. Picking up a familiar book is like a heart-to-heart chat with an old friend. They’re there to comfort you when you’re blue, cheer you when you need it, and re-reading books just fills me with warmth. In 2017, however, I feel like my tendency to re-read slowed me down; there was less of an urge to read because I already knew what was coming. I only read 40 books this year which is around 20 less than my normal output. In 2018, I challenge myself to read all new books. I have allowed myself three exceptions: one) if I am reading a series in which I have not read the whole thing, but would like to re-read an earlier volume, two) if there is something I want to re-read but have not read in the past ten years (for instance, I have a hankering to read Little House on the Prairie series again. and I have not read those since 1997), and three, see number 2.IMG_7447
  2. Harry Potter and the Sacred Text I have just discovered the magic that is a good podcast. One that I am REALLY excited about is Harry Potter and the Sacred text. In every episode, they take a chapter of Harry Potter and treat it as one would a sacred text, reading and plumbing the chapter based upon a theme. It’s magical. As a serial re-reader, I love the idea of approaching a series that means so much to me from a different direction. So, starting in 2018, I have decided to oh-so slowly work my way through the podcast, doing an episode a week. If I stick with it, I’ll be doing this for years! Capture
  3. Fun and Skills! I want to make sure I maintain my efforts at quilting and crafting. I would like to keep up with my previous years’ records of completing two quilts in 2018. I’ve already started one, and I have an idea for number 2. I also want to learn how to hand letter. I have always been rather proud of my handwriting and while some like to draw, I’m much better at word doodling (thought I do both). So this year I’m going to continue on my quest to learn hand lettering and calligraphy. Keeping on a theme, here’s one I made for my sister that I think is sorta okay. IMG_7010 (002).jpg
Non-Travel Charlotte Thoughts, Personal, Top 10

2017 Top Ten

Charlotte

2017 was a mixed bag. It didn’t suck as much (at least for me personally, world events is another story) as 2016, but it came with ups and downs. There were some pretty obvious highs, and some pretty obvious lows, namely, still grieving the loss of my mom played a very large roll that filtered into everything. You don’t realize how fundamental someone is to your life until they’re no longer there. BUT I like to take the time to reflect on what made 2017 bearable and okay. Here it goes, in no particular order.

  1. Eurotrip 2017! Eurotrip 2017 was amazing–I’m still working on finishing up the blogs, but other writing endeavors got in the way. Returning to France after the aborted trip in 2016 after my mom’s death was a little hard, and solo travel for so long sometime wore on me, but it was a once-in-a-lifetime trip that I will never forget. In France, Croatia, and Italy, I visited sites, monuments, and museums of importance to my dissertation and enjoying every (almost) every second.                                                                                                                                                                         Me in Ancona Italy checking out the Arch of Trajan. DSC03132.JPG
  2. Fitzwilliam Arthur I don’t think it’s terribly surprising that I got another cat this year, especially after the loss of my mom. This (not-so-little now) kitten is such a goof and I can’t imagine life without him. IMG_3603.JPG
  3. Quilting I finished two quilts this year, one for a friend’s new baby (who is literally the cutest!) and one for my brother. I’m so happy to have found my craft, it gives me such satisfaction and enjoyment. My brother’s quilt was particularly special. When my mom died I was working on my sister’s quilt; she had asked me to make sure that I actually made a quilt for my brother too (a craft I had made a few years ago, I never finished my brother’s, largely because my idea far outstripped my abilities at the time.) I promised I would. So this quilt was super double special, it was for my brother, and for my mom.
  4. YMCA I was kind of bummed to need to find work over the summer, but I *really* enjoyed working at the local Y’s summer camp. I got to hang out with some cool counselors, awesome teens, and delightful kiddos all day long. It was nice to be reminded that I’m good at at other things and be given some perspective on what the world is all about. It made for an exhausting summer of crafts, sunburns, splashes, and giggles.
  5. Miss O I started nannying this year for a six-year-old girl and man. One of the best things I ever did. This kid is smart, funny, and just a lot of fun. Hanging out with her is another great dose of perspective. Oh and she loves Harry Potter so we’re basically soulmates. IMG_4101.JPG
  6. Friendsgiving in Nashville I had *such* a good non-traditional Thanksgiving/Friendsgiving with some of my favorite people, in one of my favorite places. I even brought my cats!
  7. Hard work!  It’s been a productive year! I’ve worked hard, and made some progress that I’m proud of, and I’m hoping that it will only get better in 2018.
  8. Self Care (and)
  9. Networks of Support These two kind of go together, and I think it’s why I feel like I’ve made more progress in 2017 than any before. From professional and personal friends and colleagues, and knowing when take a break, I’m a lucky to have access to a variety of support networks that I have availed myself of this year.
  10. Christmas 2017 This holiday season, to me surprisingly, was harder than last year. I think everything was too new last year for me to really process what the holidays are now that my mom has died. It starts with the anniversary of her death, immediately followed by my, my dad’s, and my sister’s birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, then Christmas…then my mom’s birthday is New Year’s Day. The holiday season will forever be bookended by these bittersweet dates now. However, we did Christmas a little differently this year, didn’t try too hard and didn’t push it. Us siblings got small meaningful gifts for one another and “Santa” didn’t bring us presents this year, but that was all okay. I had a great Christmas, in spite of the sads, and it reminded me how thankful and lucky I am for the family I have, both related and chosen.

 

Non-Travel Charlotte Thoughts

2016 Top Ten, or a lesson in gratitude

Charlotte

This was obviously a hard list to make. 2016 sucked for me like no other year for reasons obvious to most who know me well. I’m not overflowing with optimism about 2017…much of what was hard about 2016 is not going to disappear as the calendar pages flip. However, I am trying to remain positive. Good things did happen in 2016, good things will happen in 2017. I’m going to attempt to focus on the good. What 2016 has done is made me exceedingly grateful for what I do have.

  1.  I know Hamilton wasn’t released in 2016, but this was the year I fell in love with it. I loved Lin Manuel Miranda’s 2008 In the Heights, but only a fraction of my love for Hamilton. I love how it makes American history part of the present, how it takes the history of music, both musicals and hip hop and MORE, and weaves it into an entirely new musical experience. I will never hear “I am the model of a modern major General” à la Pirates of Penzance ever again, George Washington’s rap delivery is now in my head permanently. As a Virginian born and bred, I’ve long recognized how this period shaped the following centuries and how Virginia’s role definitely not always positive, though it was and is frequently celebrated.  This musical takes a complicated time period, doesn’t dumb it down, and makes it accessible to everyone. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. hamilton.png
  2.  While I can’t say that this has been the best year for my family, I am super, super thankful for my family, both immediate and extended.  While things may be weird and different, we’ll figure it out. dsc02666
  3. Good things, I mean really good things, happened to folks I hold dear. Some really great stuff happened: babies, future babies, house purchases, new jobs, new degrees, big moves, and big steps. I am so thankful for these friends of mine, and I’m so proud of what they have done and what they will continue to do.
  4. The high level of shit present in 2016 has made me realize that I have the best, the most bombass friends. The care they have shown me when I’m down, humbles me like a lot. You know who you are, and I can’t thank you enough.
  5. I received a pretty cool fellowship this year, the CoAS Research Year Fellowship. This fellowship has allowed me to not have to teach this year and direct all of my time toward research and my dissertation. In some ways, I’m incredibly fortunate to have been on fellowship when my mom died. It allowed me to take a break without the pressure of teaching to begin to cope with my loss and spend time with my family. Now that I’m not in the first rush of grieving, it’s definitely nice to be able to work at my own pace.
  6. 2016 has seen a boost in my professional confidence, I think. Some of this, I believe, comes from getting a heavy dose of perspective. I love what I do, but there are things that are a million times more important than it. This has had a strangely motivating effect — I’ve gotten more done than I thought possible under the circumstances.
  7. This one is kind of silly, but I read over 55 books. As always, I record every book that I read (or re-read) on goodreads and I met my goal. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that my stress levels are dramatically higher when I’m not reading fiction. A chapter or two, whatever a day, keeps the stress away. I’m so, so lucky that I was always encouraged to read as a child and that I have continual and constant access to books.
  8. I discovered, finally, my craft — I made two quilts, and have started a third. So far these quilts have been entirely made by hand. I love every step of the process and it also provides a ton of stress relief for me, and the pleasure of knowing I made something from scratch. Quilt #1 is for me, #2 for my sister, and #3 for my broseph.
  9. This one is definitely stupid, but I’m grateful for Flonase. I’ve been plagued by seasonal and environmental allergies for EVER. About a month ago I started taking Flonase; I’ve barely had a headache or congestion since. Persistent eye issues also have disappeared. I love it.
  10. I got my mom’s last day— this has been hard for me to think and talk about obviously– it’s literally the definition of bittersweet. For my European research trip, I flew from Indy to BWI, stayed the night with my parents, then left for Paris. I got to spend 24 hours with my mom, that I wouldn’t have gotten otherwise. She died the morning I arrived in Paris, suddenly. If I hadn’t gone on this trip, the last time I would have seen her would have been Christmas 2015, but I got this incredible gift of seeing her. I know that it was the best visit I’d had with her in a while, a lot of it because I think we were both in better places than we had been in quite some time. She made me my favorite dinner and breakfast, we chatted, and I got to hug her goodbye and the last words I heard spoken by her were beautiful words of love and pride — I totally took for-granted when I stepped out the door to go to the airport that I would be speaking to her the next day to let her know I arrived safely in Paris. I don’t know what I did to be so lucky as to get those 24 hours, but I am so, so thankful for them. And I’m so thankful for my momma.

So here’s to 2016. May its stink fade as 2017 begins.

Non-Travel Charlotte Thoughts

Thanksgiving Without Mom

Charlotte

dsc02666

This year, I stayed put for Thanksgiving, and for the first time, my family came to me. I thought, perhaps selfishly, I don’t know, that the first Thanksgiving after my mom’s death would be easier for everyone if we did it a little differently.

I hadn’t been home for Thanksgiving since 2011. In 2012, I moved to Indiana and the drive/trip just seemed like a lot when I’d be home the next month for Christmas. In 2012, I spent Thanksgiving with my BFF Ashley in Nashville, and in 2013, 2014, and 2015, I hosted a Friendsgiving at my place.

This year, dad, brother, and sister packed up the car and drove to me. I had loose plans for a good time…show them around town (this was their first visit since moving me in 2012!), go to the movies, eat food, and perhaps go on a hike. We did all of it:

I drove them around campus (it was cold and rainy so a walk was not desirable) and we made a trip to the Barnes and Noble, so we could purchase books that none of us really needed.

We saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (I highly recommend it– I enjoyed it, even if I want BOOKS and not movies of these new stories). Sister even liked it more than Harry Potter (we may have scarred her by taking her to see Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets when she was a wee lass of six– That basilisk was a little scary)!

img_5152

I cooked Thanksgiving dinner, successfully, I might add. The only thing I didn’t do was peel and chop the potatoes, thanks to Brother and Sister respectively. We watched Christmas movies after dinner and had a good day.

Friday, we went for a hike in a local nature preserve. It was quiet and empty and it was nice to get out of town and do some woods-walking.

It was a good visit. There was no fighting or squabbling (though, I think I offended my brother when I told him to stop making Macaulay Culkin crack jokes whilst watching Home Alone). The only misbehavior was from my cat who was decidedly rude to my family while they were here (see Sister’s snapchat below).

img_5159

My family left on Saturday. I had been worried about them leaving and me taking it not so well, but I was surprisingly fine. Tired, but fine. It didn’t really hit me until Sunday that this Thanksgiving was  different, and even then, the level of that difference hasn’t registered. Grief is a funny thing, it can hide and not show its face when you expect it to do so. I had cooked and served Thanksgiving in my house before, but this time it was for my family. And the only reason that was the case, is because Mom is gone. The finality of the gone-ness still hasn’t sunk in; I was expecting Thanksgiving to put the goneness into focus, but it didn’t really, not in the way I was expecting.

Whatever the state of my grief-emotions, the first major holiday (excepting my birthday, my dad’s birthday, and my sister’s birthday, all of which occurred right after her death) without Mom has been celebrated. And, I miss her.